Apr 022013
 
U.S. sends fighter jets to South Korea, CBS in talks for new M*A*S*H* series

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States sent F-22 stealth fighter jets to South Korea on Sunday to join military exercises in a move aimed at further deterring threats from North Korea. “We still have F-22s? Cool!” said newly appointed U.S. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “We’re going over there to China and kick some ass! “Or maybe it’s Korea. I think it’s one of those Koreas.” Yesterday South Korean President Park Geun-hye gave her country’s military [click here for full story]

Apr 012013
 
Jesus still lukewarm on Catholics, but “liking this new pope guy”

VATICAN CITY — Yesterday the newly instated Pope Francis presided over his first Easter Mass at the Vatican. As was expected from this decidedly low-key pontiff, this ceremony was shorter than previous ones, and was delivered in less-flowery, more direct language. “Pope Francis’ Mass yesterday was a step in the right direction,” said Jesus Christ, whose resurrection is the event that Easter celebrates. “Have you ever had to sit through a Catholic Mass? Holy Father, [click here for full story]

Mar 282013
 
Hermès sheds crocodile tears

NEW YORK, N.Y. — Hermès, the France-based retailer of ultra-high-end clothing and accessories, has revealed a T-shirt at its Madison Avenue store in Manhattan that sells for $91,500. The T-shirt, made of crocodile hide and chiffon, will also carry a sales tax of $8,000. “So what?” said Hermès CEO Patrick Thomas. “If you don’t like it, keep your proletariat cul out of our store, you filthy paysan.” While Hermès has long been known to cater [click here for full story]

Mar 262013
 
Gag order imposed on Ford for auto erotica

BOMBAY, India — Ford Motor Company and ad agency WPP apologized on Monday for some offensive artwork depicting women tied up in the back of a Ford Figo, a car available in India. The drawings were never part of a paid campaign but were part of “a creative exercise by a team that was submitting for an ad competition,” according to Chris Preuss, Ford spokesman for WPP. “These images were never meant to be seen [click here for full story]

Mar 252013
 
German police get snow job, assign linguists to translate the pun

AACHEN, Germany — German traffic police were fooled by a full-size snow sculpture of a Volkswagen Beetle—and put a parking ticket on the sculpture’s windshield. “This is what we do in Germany,” said a police spokesperson. “We maintain order so that we can remain productive. Workers cannot access their places of business if unauthorized vehicles are occupying the parking spaces designated for those workers. We have instituted penalties for not observing these laws so that [click here for full story]

Mar 202013
 
Tiger Woods’ career climbs upwards, love life goes downhill

ORLANDO, Fla. — Former world number-one golfer Tiger Woods and six-time reigning World Cup women’s downhill skiing champion Lindsey Vonn announced through their Facebook pages on Monday that they are in a romantic relationship. Woods wrote: “This season has been great so far and I’m happy with my (PGA Tour) wins at Torrey and Doral. Something nice that’s happened off the course was meeting Lindsey Vonn. Lindsey and I have been friends for some time, [click here for full story]

Mar 192013
 
GOP stuck in far-right lane with hazard lights on, tries looking in rear-view mirror

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Republican Party released a scathing self-analysis yesterday that party leaders hope will help them return to a winning track after their losses in the last two major elections. “Public perception of the party is at record lows,” the report says. “Young voters are increasingly rolling their eyes at what the party represents, and many minorities wrongly think that Republicans do not like them or want them in the country. “OK, to [click here for full story]

Mar 152013
 
God’s existence finally confirmed, gets overshadowed by Catholics

GENEVA, Switzerland — Physicists announced this week they have discovered the elusive subatomic particle called a Higgs boson essential to our understanding of the creation of the universe. The boson, popularly known as the ‘God particle,’ will go a long way toward explaining what gives electrons and all matter in the universe size and shape. “It’s no coincidence we’re announcing the confirmation of the God particle on the same day a new pope was selected,” said David [click here for full story]

Mar 142013
 
You can have his sword of dharma when you can pry it from his cold, dead hands

YUBA CITY, Calif. — Gursant Khalsa, a follower of the Sikh faith, has filed a federal lawsuit against the State of California claiming the state is stopping him from fully practicing his religion by not allowing him to own and use assault rifles and high-capacity magazines. “Decrees from the Tenth Sikh Guru state in the most vigorous and clear words that, ‘a Sikh’s conception of God is the sword of God (which) is the sword [click here for full story]

Mar 132013
 
Justin Bieber’s new bad-boy image deemed “pretty damn authentic”

LONDON, England — Just hours after he passed out backstage at his London concert last week and was rushed to a hospital, teenage pop sensation Justin Bieber almost got violent with the paparazzi. Photos show the 19-year-old lunging at photographers, and video footage of the altercation shows Bieber angrily responding to a photographer’s insults by yelling “I’ll fucking beat the fuck out of you!” “As a member of the paparazzi, my job is not just [click here for full story]

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