May 302012
 

GOLETA, Calif. – The company that brought the über-popular UGG sheepskin boots to America is now grabbing for a piece of America’s $40-billion-a-year bridal industry. “We’re excited to announce the ‘I Do’ line of UGGs for weddings,” said Connie Rishwain, president of UGG Australia. “You Yank whackers spend such an obscene amount on weddings we figured, Why not? You already make bridesmaids buy hideously ugly dresses that they’ll never wear again, so why not make them buy UGGs for the ceremony? Our boots can be worn for most any occasion after the wedding, and they’re comfortable. We figure if we put some sparkly stuff on them and overprice them, you dills will buy them.”

This new line of footwear has outraged many American business owners, who view it as a debasing of the hallowed tradition of matrimony. “Comfort has no place in the wedding industry,” said Gail Evans, owner of the event-planning company, Table for Eight. “The wedding ceremony is intended to be a reflection of marriage itself: an uncomfortable adherence to societal conventions that has nothing at all to do with respect and mutual support between two loving people. Marriage should be an uncomfortable adherence to arbitrary norms and expectations that makes no allowance for individual needs, personalities or expression, thereby stifling joy and affection.

“I don’t make the rules, people; I just follow tradition. What will happen if grooms don’t mortgage their future to buy their brides diamonds that are mined by slave labor and used to finance genocidal insurgencies in Africa? What will happen when the fathers of brides don’t spend the retirement savings it took a lifetime to accumulate for a one-day party that only the bride and her mother want to go to in the first place? Anarchy. That’s what will happen.

“So just remember: When my company charges $3,500 for a James Clifford beaded lace gown with a keyhole back and $27 per person for shrimp cocktail at the reception, we’re holding society together.”

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