May 242012
 

KENT, Wash. – A 21-year-old-man, Yong Hyun Kim, is accused of striking a 10-year-old boy in the face during a recent showing of Titanic at an AMC movie theater here.  Kim said that the boy and his friends were being disruptive during the movie, throwing popcorn at him and his girlfriend and hitting their seats. “My people appreciate all your country has done for us,” said Kim, whose parents come from South Korea. “But your kids are out of control. It is your culture’s failure to instill values and discipline in your youth that will be your downfall. The Chinese just bought the AMC movie-theater chain for $2.6 billion, and when they’re done buying the rest of this degenerate country, people like me will be members of an elite ruling class, while your round-eye children will labor in our mines.

“Plus, after this movie I was totally going to score,” Kim added. “But no chick is going to put out when she has to spend the night pulling popcorn out of her hair. I’m going to sue those kids for the price of the movie tickets and dinner for two.”

Kim was charged with second-degree assault, and could face three to nine months in jail. One police officer, who asked not to be named because the investigation is ongoing, said he is not sure if Kim will see jail time. “Normally a perpetrator in a case like this would at least do the minimum, but since the Chinese have taken over, it’s hard to say. To their way of thinking, the kids got what they deserved for causing a disturbance. In fact, in China the kids would have been sent to a factory to work 18 hours a day until they learned to respect their elders.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to the People’s Precinct House of Kent City in Most Glorious State of Washington. The new bosses have classified the Occupy protestors as enemies of the state, so we have to establish guard rotations at the work camps that have been established to house the offenders.”

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