May 232012
 

HAMBURG, Germany – Researchers here believe that human urine is responsible for an algae bloom that killed over 500 fish at Eichbaum Lake. “The urine contains phosphates which lead to excessive algae growth,” said Heinrich Grieg, a marine biologist at the University of Hamburg. “The extra algae uses up oxygen and the fish suffocate. Once we explained this to swimmers, they agreed to not urinate in the lake so that everyone could continue to enjoy the lake experience. This is the way with our people.

“We are still plagued by American tourists who ignore the urinating ban, however,” Grieg added. “When the connection between urination and fish deaths is explained to them, they simply laugh and urinate in the lake anyway. Some of the American men even do this while standing on the docks for all to see. It is this lack of ethics and care for the greater good that has spelled the decay of the American economy, while Germany continues to grow as an economic juggernaut in Western civilization. Soon we shall tell all Americans when and where they will be allowed to urinate when they become workers in our orderly and efficient factories.”

A similar ban has been in place for some time along Australia’s Great Barrier Reef because the algae blooms will kill the coral. “We’re not so polite as the Krauts,” said Roy Hunter of the University of Melbourne. “When a Seppo (American) starts to have a slash (urinate) off the side of the boat, the captain gives ’im a quick jab with a knife and throws ’im overboard. The great whites smell the blood, and before you know it, problem solved.

“We tell these Yank whackers (dickheads) beforehand what the rules are. If they want to come down here and lair it up (behave in an uncouth manner), they can have a slash in a rooter’s (prostitute’s) mouth. Just don’t be a drongo (idiot) and go doing it on the Reef.”

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