May 212012
 

NEW YORK, N.Y. – Last week the social-networking giant Facebook made an initial public offering (IPO) of its stock, and with almost $105 billion in total sales, it became the biggest-ever IPO for a tech company. “Bang, zoom, pow! Grab this company people, grab it now!” said Jim Kramer, host of Mad Money on CNBC. “Take out a second mortgage, break the kids’ piggy banks and bet it all. This MySpace thing is going to be huge! I’m pretty sure it’s called MySpace.”

With over 900,000,000 users worldwide, Facebook dwarfs all other social media sites. The funds raised with the IPO—about $16 billion coming from new investors—will be used to develop new apps for users and to purchase apps developed by other companies. “Facebook already has so many thousands of apps that nobody here knows what half of this shit is for,” said Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg. “With the new funds from the IPO, we are on course to bringing so many more apps into the marketplace that we will bring America’s workforce to a standstill. If you thought Farmville and Angry Birds were time-wasters, just wait until you see what we’ve got coming down the pipeline!”

Financial analysts have wondered at the high valuation of Facebook, since it has little in tangible assets. “It used to be that companies had factories, mineral resources or transport hubs; things you could sink you teeth into,” said Ivan Greenberg, senior partner at Greenberg and Associates. “Now we have a net capitalization of 105 billion freaking dollars for a company that exists to let people tell their friends ‘I just came back from lunch LOL!’ or ‘OMG my cat just puked!’ A business that produces nothing and enables workers everywhere to goof around during office hours. It’s an anti-business!

“Don’t get me wrong: My company bought an obscene pile of Facebook stock. We’re financial analysts so we don’t do anything of real value ourselves, and we’re rich beyond the dreams of avarice. So we figured that if a business model of producing nothing works for us, it will work for Facebook too.”

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