May 172012

WEST ISLIP, N.Y. – A Long Island woman who donated a kidney to save her boss’ life was fired by her boss after the transplant operation. “I don’t see any problem with that,” said Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly. “The boss is a member of the productive class and must be protected. That’s why they get health care and tax breaks. Workers have no need for similar protections because there are so many of them.

“It’s math, people. Look it up.”

In international news, 49 decapitated bodies were found on a highway in Mexico near the U.S. border. “Really? That can’t be right,” said Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “My father was born in Mexico, and I recall on my visits there that the country was full of five-star resorts, and the locals were very friendly and accommodating. All we had to do was pick up the phone in the presidential suite of our hotel and people wearing what is apparently Mexico’s national uniform would bring us meals. They were all quiet and well-behaved, not at all the type of people who would decapitate bodies and dump them on the side of a highway.

“You guys go check out that story. I think you’ll find it was a hoax.”

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