May 072012

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Mitt Romney’s national security spokesman, Richard Grenell, resigned last week after evangelical groups questioned his conservatism because he is gay. “Mr. Grenell is intelligent, conscientious and highly qualified,” said Bryan Fischer, a leader at the politically influential American Family Association. “He would have made a great national security spokesperson, and later a great national security advisor. But, he’s a banana-rammer. As Republicans, we believe it’s more important to follow obscure and prejudiced passages from the Old Testament rather than hire the best person for the job. It’s what Jesus would do.

“Still, we didn’t want Grenell to actually resign,” Fischer added. “We wanted him to stay on as an event planner. I’ve got to give it to those queers: They’re really good at throwing parties and stuff. We just didn’t want this extremely knowledgeable and capable man to have any say in directing policy.”

Grenell was just hired in late April, but the conservative backlash over his sexual orientation was so swift and severe that he quickly announced his retirement. “Mr. Romney has tried to hire people like me who come to our positions with a wealth of experience and education and who could contribute greatly to solving the serious problems our country faces,” Grenell said. “But the Republican Party has been hijacked by a bunch of shrill, xenophobic, uneducated white zealots who are more concerned with misrepresenting the teachings of the Bible than they are in good governance. That’s why I’m going over to the other side—the other side being the Democrats. What did you think I meant?

“I’ll miss being a Republican, though,” he added. “The GOP is actually full of hot dudes who like to party. There was always a line out the door at the men’s rooms at their conferences, if you get my drift. It’s no mystery why women don’t get anywhere in the Republican Party.”

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