WASHINGTON, D.C. – Since Rick Santorum dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination, party leadership has been looking ahead to the general election. “Though Romney pulled away from Santorum in the delegate count, Santorum had such a strong showing in key regions that we’re starting to think he should be our vice-presidential candidate,” said GOP pollster and strategist Whit Ayers. “Both candidates have carried the banner of GOP values—like protections for the rich and the suppression of women’s rights—so well that we don’t want to lose either one of them. And with a Romney–Santorum ticket, we won’t.”
Skeptics say that Romney choosing Santorum as his running mate would be as disastrous as McCain choosing Palin in 2008. Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus disagrees. “Ms. Palin turned out not to be the right candidate because she’s just a garden-variety idiot,” he said. “I’m sorry, that’s not really fair. She’s actually an extraordinary idiot. One is not simply born into such idiocy. Achieving her level of dissociation from the world takes a concerted effort that few have been willing or able to put forth.
“But it’s different with Mr. Santorum. The insane bullshit that flows from his mouth like a hellish, rushing river of righteous lava doesn’t come from a lack of intelligence; in fact he has above-average intelligence. No, his mouth-spew is the product of childhood trauma that has left him with permanent emotional scars that manifest in a need to control women by curtailing their freedoms and subverting their role in society. I think his mom used to make him do her nails and help with her knitting, and the resentment he feels over her smothering him has never healed.
“At any rate, we think that his unwavering stance of moral superiority and chauvinism is just what this country needs. At least it’s what Republicans need. We rich white men have been oppressed in this country for too long. We think that having Mr. Santorum in the vice president’s office will finally open some doors for us.”