Apr 092012

AUGUSTA, Ga.– At yesterday’s Masters tournament, a fan yelled “Get in the hole!” after golfer Bubba Watson’s drive on the eighth hole. “The eighth hole is a 570-yard par-five. Why the hell would someone yell ‘Get in the hole!’ when the hole is 570 yards away?” asked CBS broadcaster Jim Nantz. “It takes two good shots for the best pros to even reach the green from that far away. You never hear golf fans in Europe yell idiotic shit like that.”

Watson was also surprised by the fan’s outburst. “I mean, he waited until after I made my swing, which was good, but why say that?” he said in his press conference after the round. “Why say anything?

“You could almost understand it if he had yelled ‘Get in the hole!’ if I were putting, but I still don’t get it. No one has more at stake in the putt than I do, and you don’t hear me yelling ‘Get in the hole!’ I think everybody realizes that that’s pretty much the whole idea of the game. What a dick.”

As opposed to most other spectator sports, golf is known for the propriety and courtesy of its fans. This has made this particular fan’s remark a curiosity at least, and officials hope it doesn’t go beyond that. “It’s probably just a one-time thing,” said PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem. “Should it ever be repeated we would have to revisit the issue, but I just don’t see it happening again. There can’t possibly be another douche-bag like that anywhere.”

The fan, Jeremy Wagner, a philosophy professor at Princeton University, was surprised when he later learned of the criticisms. “Some would argue that my utterance was protected under freedom of speech, though constitutional law is not my area,” he said. “I rather follow Antoine de Saint-Exupery, who said ‘I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.’ My expression of good wishes for the results of the golfer’s performance was nothing more than a spontaneous manifestation of id, a part of the psychic apparatus inherent to all persons. They didn’t have to be such assholes about it.”

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