Jul 082013
 

soccer

PIO XII, Brazil — Soccer fans in northern Brazil decapitated a referee after he fatally stabbed a player for refusing to leave the field. “Now that’s a fucking show!” said Scott Guglielmino, head of programming at ESPN. “I’ve got two dozen over-educated writers trying to give me ‘Sports As a Reflection of the Human Condition’ or some such shit no one would watch. Meanwhile, a stadium full of Brazilian peasants hopped up on peyote came up with the blockbuster idea of the millennium: live-action beheading. This will make the Hunger Games look like croquet!”

Police say that the referee, Otavio da Silva, told a player, Josenir dos Santos, to leave the playing field. When Santos refused, Silva pulled out a knife and stabbed him. In retaliation, an angry mob stormed the field and stoned Silva to death before severing his head. The player Santos also later died from his stab wounds.

“See, this is how you pitch a show,” Guglielmino said. “One knifing, one stoning, two dead. In one paragraph, you’ve got me ready to break up with my girlfriend if she tells me not to watch this show. I want the guy who wrote that last paragraph in my office tomorrow morning ready to work. He’ll have two dozen empty writers’ desks to choose from.”

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