FAIRFAX, Va. — After a sinister letter was mailed to the White House from the National Rifle Association (NRA), SEAL Team Six was ordered to respond. “Apparently in response to a proposed ban on assault weapons, a letter addressed to the White House from the NRA was found to contain hints of revolution against the government,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “It was immediately brought to the attention of the National Security Advisor, who brought it to Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta. Following protocol for potential threats of this kind, Mr. Panetta had discretion on how to proceed, so he ordered SEAL Team Six to NRA headquarters to neutralize the threat. During the raid the head of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre, was fatally wounded.
“We knew he was dead because one of the SEALs was able to pry his gun from his cold, dead hands. Ha!” Carney added. “No, but seriously, that bitch is stone dead.”
Panetta said that he believed his response was commensurate with the threat. “We assumed from Mr. LaPierre’s recent public comments about wanting to post armed guards in schools that he would have his own headquarters well-fortified. Because of this we anticipated meeting with resistance while trying to gain entry to the premises, so the SEAL team went in with superior firepower. They overwhelmed the defenders, and found Mr. LaPierre in his office naked, fondling a MAC-10 blowback-operated machine pistol. He turned his weapon on the SEAL team members, and he also pulled his gun on them. Zing! Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
“Anyway, Mr. LaPierre turned his weapon towards the SEALs, who defended themselves by opening fire.”
A spokesperson for the NRA who was not in the building when the raid occurred said that the NRA would start to work on ways to retool their organization’s philosophy. “We really thought that giving everyone more guns would make for a safer world,” he said. “I just don’t understand what went wrong.”