Apr 232013


BISMARK, N.D. — KFYR news anchor A.J. Clemente opened his first-ever broadcast for his new station by saying “fucking shit” into a live microphone, visibly rattling his co-anchor, Van Tieu. Video of Clemente’s on-air profanity has gone viral, prompting shock across the country. “I can’t believe there’s some Hispanic dude, and even an Asian chick, in with all them white people in that hell-hole of a state,” said Cleotus Washington of Brooklyn, New York. “I mean, we gots all colors here in my neighborhood, and it ain’t no thing. But I didn’t think them folks was allowed over there in North Dakota.

I sure as shit ain’t going to North Dakota. Ain’t no brothers up in there now, and I ain’t about to be no goddamn pioneer.”

KFYR News Director Monica Hannan said that she and her staff were “just as stunned as everyone else. On his job application Mr. Clemente said that he was white, and we all believed him. He seemed so nice during his interview that we just figured he was one of us. No one here had ever seen the name ‘Clemente’ before, so none of us realized it was some Hispanic thing. Especially now that he swore on-air like that, we’re not sure what we’re going to do about him.

“We’re keeping Van Tieu no matter what, though,” Hannan added. “We’ve known all along that she’s Asian, but she brings in home-baked pastries every Friday. And she’s the only one who ever cleans up the break room. I don’t know what we’d do without her.”

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