Aug 092012

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. – The United States of America, the undisputed fast-food innovation nation on the planet, has fallen behind much of the developed world in the key area of convenience-store mashed potato technology. The food and condiment company Maggi has developed a machine that combines mashed potato mix with hot water, dispenses the mashed potatoes into a cup, then tops it with gravy. These machines have become popular fixtures in 7-Eleven stores in Europe and Asia, and have left American scientists scratching their heads. “I just don’t know how we missed this one,” said James Arbuckle, a researcher at Foods Conveyor. “Mashed potatoes and gravy is an American staple, combining the empty calories of potato starch with a sauce made from animal fat, so we believe it was our responsibility to bring this to U.S. consumers from a convenience-store machine. Being scooped by a foreign conglomerate makes us feel as though we have let down our consumer base.”

Though lagging at the moment, Arbuckle promises that his company will make up for lost time. “Maggi might have beaten us to the punch with their dispenser, but to an American this is just the beginning. We plan to modify the mashed-potato dispenser by adding the extras that Americans have come to expect, like a butter nozzle and a bacon injector. The world will see how short-sighted it is to stop at simple mashed potatoes and gravy, and the true genius of American ingenuity will once again be put on display for the world to behold.

“And it won’t stop there. Think about this: Have you ever dipped a Twinkie in mashed potatoes filled with bacon? No one has yet, my friend, but put these two items side by side in a convenience store and pretty soon our entire nation with be dipping Hostess snacks into butter- and bacon-filled bowls of potatoes. When we can figure out how to batter and deep-fry the whole thing, we’ll do that too.

“This is who we are. This is what we do. U.S.A. baby, yeah!”

  2 Responses to “America loses convenience-store food dominance, scientists vow revenge”

  1. Why no comments on this? This is BIG.

  2. Yes Angie, this story is big. Big as Texas. Big the Plains. Big as our waistlines.
    We are Americans, and if we have to lie, steal, cheat, or kill, as God is our witness, we will never be hungry again.
    Now dispense us out some goddam mashed potaters!

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