HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – In what has turned into a revolving door of celebrity panelists, Britney Spears is slated to become the newest judge on X Factor when it returns to the airwaves in September. “We’re very excited to have Ms. Spears on board for the new season,” said Mike Darnell, president of alternative entertainment at Fox Broadcasting. “She will bring…Well, she’ll bring something to the show I’m sure. All I know is she’s always in the tabloids because of one thing or another, so that cuts down on our in-house marketing budget. And she’s got a pretty nice rack. They’re fake, but still juicy. And that’s about it really. My job is pretty easy.”
Spears has reportedly been offered $15 million for one season of the show, which is $3 million more than Jennifer Lopez earned as a judge on American Idol. “Ms. Spears justifies the higher salary because of her superior qualifications,” said A-list agent Linda Ashbury. “Ms. Lopez has a huge recording contract of her own, but it is widely known that she cannot sing on key, or really sing at all. Ms. Spears, on the other hand, is…She’s…Well, she’s white, and Jennifer Lopez is Spanish or something, so that’s one thing.
“Wait, I didn’t mean it that way! You can’t print that, you bastard! I’ll sue your Johnson off!”
X Factor was created in the U.K. as part of a franchise that began with Pop Idol, which also spawned American Idol. The success of these shows has in turn spawned other shows like The Voice and Duets, making them almost an industry within an industry. “Yeah, lucky me,” said TMZ writer Josh Durbin. “You have no idea how hard it is to make this shit interesting after 10 years. I thought I’d come to Hollywood just to get some kind of writing gig, and now I’m stuck in this God-forsaken Gehenna because no one wants to read anything of value anymore.
“I graduated from the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern. Do you people even know what that means? I’ve studied with some of the greatest print journalists America has ever known, but these days you can’t get a writing job anywhere unless you’re willing to write 500 words about Kim Kardashian’s ass for some website that runs banner ads for some vampire movie.
“FML,” Durbin added. “Just FML.”