PARK CITY, Utah – After months of criticisms saying he is out of touch with the struggles of the vast majority of Americans, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney says he has “had enough. I amassed a huge fortune by being a corporate raider, buying companies and either selling them piecemeal and putting people out of work, or keeping the companies but outsourcing the workforce to India and China. So I’m no longer going to pretend that I give a fuck about you people, because I clearly don’t.”
Romney’s campaign staff was happy to hear of their candidate’s decision to just be himself for the remainder of the campaign. “You have no idea how hard it was to try and make Romney look like he gives a shit about working Americans,” said Romney’s campaign manager, Matt Rhoades. “We sent him to a NASCAR race to make him seem like a regular guy, and he wound up saying that he doesn’t know much about NASCAR, but he knows the owners of several racing teams. When he was campaigning in Michigan he tried to sound like he loved American cars, and he wound up saying that his wife drives ‘a couple of Cadillacs.’ He just can’t go along with the charade, so I’m glad he’s abandoning it.
“Besides, the election all comes down to super PAC money anyway, and Romney is getting obscene piles of campaign donations from billionaires across the country. So if Romney wins, he will be so indebted to them that it will be all over for working Americans. I mean, if you think Romney doesn’t give a shit about you now, wait until he’s nothing but a figurehead who enacts legislation for his billionaire campaign contributors. There won’t be a job left in this country.
“You people are completely fucked.”