LONDON, England – After company officials admitted to fraudulently manipulating the London interbank offer rate (LIBOR), Barclays Bank was hit with a record ₤290 million ($455 million) fine. “The LIBOR is the interest rate at which banks borrow from other banks, and largely determines the interest rate of about $550 trillion in financial instruments like mortgages,” said U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. “That’s right: I said $550 trillion. This sum is far beyond human comprehension, encompassing tens of millions of home loans across the Western world, including America. Barclays made God-knows-how-many billions from their illegal actions, so I suppose a $455 million fine is plenty. I think we can trust them not to do anything like this again.”
According to experts, Barclays is only the first bank whose involvement is currently confirmed. The scandal most likely involves a number of the world’s biggest banks, which have defrauded consumers of untold billions of dollars by artificially rigging interest rates. The effects of this scandal promise to be far-reaching, as alarming new facts continue to emerge. “I have a feeling that once the full story comes out, there will be anarchy,” said forensic accountant Samuel Greenberg. “People in Europe, Asia and the Americas will see that no one in the financial industry can be trusted with a paper clip, let alone an effectively unregulated autonomy over all the world’s markets. There will be rioting in every major city. Civilizations will collapse, and in their place will arise pockets of communal living arrangements which are not dependent on a centralized financial system for their support.
“They’re still going to need their books done, though,” Greenberg added. “People laughed at me for becoming an accountant, but I will be one of the few with job security after the coming apocalypse. So think about that, Ginny Stein, when you and your husband come to me begging for food and shelter. You never should have laughed at my marriage proposal, Ginny! Now I will take delight in your suffering!”