HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – Underwriters of Katy Perry’s current tour have asked her to stop wearing revolving bras onstage after an incident last week. “My hair got caught in the wheels of my spinning peppermint bra and began to coil around and around,” Perry said. “The insurance people are worried I’m going to hurt my neck if it happens again. It just goes to show you what a pack of dullards insurance people are: I’ve got my magnificent hooters bouncing around, and they’re looking at my neck.
“Plus, it’s just poor business sense. Someone should tell those idiots I don’t owe my career to my neck: I owe my career entirely to my gorgeous, juicy sweater melons. If it weren’t for those, I’d be working in a cubicle somewhere, microwaving a Lean Cuisine Chicken Mediterranean for lunch and going to happy hour at T.G.I. Fridays like the rest of you losers.”
In international news, Syria yesterday denied accusations by United Nations special envoy Kofi Annan that it used heavy weapons and helicopters in clashes in the village of Tremseh last week that killed as many as 200 people. Jihad Makdissi, spokesman for Syria’s Foreign Ministry, called the Tremesh massacre “a simple misunderstanding. The Syrian people want to retain their human rights and the government wants to take those rights away. What the citizens don’t seem to understand is that the government has used the citizens’ tax money to buy guns and fighter planes and stuff. You’d think they’d have figured that out by now.”
The killings in Tremesh are just the latest in 17 months of uprisings against the brutal Syrian regime, and some foreign officials consider the country to now be engaged in a civil war. “The world has become aware of this disaster in Syria and the repercussions it will have around the globe,” said Turkey’s prime minister, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, “Except in America, I mean. With this Katy Perry bra thing coming right on the heels of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes getting a divorce, it’s going to take some time for news of Syria’s civil war to filter through to the U.S.”