Feb 262013
Mind-control technology a reality, foil hats “no longer that crazy”

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — According to researchers, temporary electronic tattoos could soon help people fly drones with only thought and talk seemingly telepathically without speech over smartphones. Todd Coleman, an electrical engineer at the University of California at San Diego, is devising noninvasive means of controlling machines via the mind, techniques virtually everyone might be able to use. “This is really a thing—I am not fucking shitting you,” Coleman said. “This shit actually works. For [click here for full story]

Feb 242013
Florida reinforces stereotype, boosts self-esteem of rest of country

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. — According to a police report, an 18-year-old Florida woman was slightly injured this week when she was shot by her friend’s oven. “OK, we didn’t have to word it quite that way,” said a St. Petersburg Police Department spokesperson. “But what the hell are we supposed to say? This woman, Aalaya Walker, was at a friend’s house making waffles and she preheated the oven. She didn’t know that her friend, JJ [click here for full story]

Feb 222013
Attorney general clears his desk, stops “all those damn Outlook reminders”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the most ambitious case yet over misconduct in the financial sector, the U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ) has filed a $5 billion civil lawsuit against Standard & Poor’s. In the suit, the DOJ says that Standard & Poor’s inflated credit ratings and understated risks associated with mortgage securities, helping precipitate the financial crisis of 2007. “Not even in my most distorted nightmares could I imagine an act of greed on this [click here for full story]

Feb 202013
Kim Jong-Un rattles his saber, sprays it on South Korea

GENEVA, Switzerland — North Korea followed up last week’s nuclear test with an alarming statement at this week’s U.N. Conference on Disarmament. “With our mighty nuclear weaponry, South Korea will cower before us!” North Korean diplomat Jon Yong Ryong told the conference. “As the saying goes, a newborn puppy knows no fear of a tiger. South Korea’s erratic behavior would only herald its final destruction.” “I don’t understand why they’re calling our behavior erratic,” said [click here for full story]

Feb 152013
Asteroid takes a quick look at Earth, keeps going

PETERSON AIR FORCE BASE, Colo. — Today a 160-foot asteroid will pass within 17,000 miles of Earth, so close that it will be inside the orbit of Earth’s geosynchronous satellites. Not counting actual asteroid impacts, this will be the eighth-closest Earth approach by an asteroid, and the largest asteroid to come this close, since astronomers began tracking the orbits of near-Earth objects. “Oh damn, really?” said Jeff Winn, executive director of ABC News. “That would [click here for full story]

Feb 122013
Pope Benedict takes his 401(k) and heads for Boca

VATICAN CITY — The Roman Catholic Church was rocked on Monday when Pope Benedict announced he would stand down from the papacy. “This will mark a profound turning point in the Catholic Church,” said Francis Cardinal George of the Chicago Archdiocese. “Benedict’s departure will be the beginning of a new progressive era for Catholicism. “Ha, gotcha! Catholicism progressive? I think we only got around to acknowledging that the Earth is not the center of the [click here for full story]

Feb 102013
Newly discovered prime number is the biggest thing in nothing

WARRENSBURG, Mo. — Curtis Cooper at the University of Central Missouri in Warrensburg has found the biggest prime number ever discovered—it contains 17,425,170 digits. The number is two multiplied by itself 57,885,161 times minus one, written mathematically as 257,885,161-1, and is the first prime discovered in four years. “Here in the office they call me Optimus Prime,” Cooper said. “I am unfamiliar with this sobriquet, though I assume it is an encomium, a nomenclatural honorific [click here for full story]

Feb 062013
Theoretical physicist comes up with best pick-up line in the Universe

OSLO, Norway — Astrophysicists have known for the last 80 years that most of the matter in the Universe is an unknown substance they have termed “dark matter.” One Norwegian researcher believes he has found the answer to this decades-long mystery, and is now trying to prove that dark matter consists of gravitinos. “The gravitino is the hypothetical, supersymmetric partner of the hypothetical particle graviton,” said Are Raklev, an associate professor in particle physics in [click here for full story]

Feb 042013
Ravens beat ’Niners, Israelis rocket Hezbollah, whole world down the toilet

NEW ORLEANS, La. – The day after football’s biggest game marks a malady peculiar to the American workplace: Super Bowl flu. After over a month with no major food-and-drink related holidays, Americans often overindulge during the big game, leading to the Monday-morning “flu.” Yesterday, Americans ate an estimated 1.25 billion chicken wings and 30 million pounds of potato chips, washing it down with wine, liquor, and tens of millions of cases of beer. As a [click here for full story]

Feb 012013
Parents Television Council gets blinded by the high beams

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton appears in a saucy Super Bowl ad that is ruffling some feathers. In the 90-second commercial for luxury-car company Mercedes–Benz, Upton—wearing cutoff shorts and a black spaghetti-strapped tank top—stands near the new Mercedes CLA while being watched by a group of young football players who are washing the car. The commercial was posted on YouTube and is set to air during the Super Bowl. The clip has attracted [click here for full story]

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