Jan 272013
China’s business leaders put choke-hold on workers, are “totally OK with that”

BEIJING, China — China’s pollution drew national headlines this month when Beijing’s levels of PM 2.5—tiny particulate matter harmful to humans—exceeded by more than 70 times what the U.S. considers a standard for health. In response, Beijing’s acting mayor, Wang Anshun, pledged to enact a variety of measures to reduce air pollutants by 2 percent this year. “At that rate, we’ll be down to safe levels in something over 40 years,” Anshun said through an [click here for full story]

Jan 222013
Gun Appreciation Day turns out to be "a step in the right direction"

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This past Saturday was the first national Gun Appreciation Day, which was inspired by President Obama’s proposal for restrictions on assault rifles and large-capacity gun magazines. “America has become a dictatorship, in which this one man is proposing reasonable gun laws that are supported by 75 percent of Americans,” said Gun Appreciation Day organizer Larry Ward. “We will not stand idly by and let this fascist overlord create laws that have the [click here for full story]

Jan 212013
President Bush’s sense of irony sold at auction

DALLAS, Tex. — A pickup truck used by former President George W. Bush at his Texas ranch was sold for $300,000 at an auction on Saturday after he donated it to benefit Fisher House Foundation, a charity that serves U.S. military families. “Thanks to President Bush, today there is an abundance of American service people and their families that need help,” said Fisher House President David Coker. “We have so many people suffering because of [click here for full story]

Jan 202013
Kardashians’ cry for help proves to be nothing but a cruel hoax

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — This week the Kardashian clan became the latest celebrity victims of the “swatting” craze, in which pranksters call in a false emergency to police. The name “swatting” derives from the fact that the spurious calls mention shootings, so law enforcement responds with SWAT teams. On Friday police took over Bruce and Kris Jenner’s Hidden Hills home near Los Angeles after receiving a 911 call claiming someone had been shot inside the house. [click here for full story]

Jan 192013
HSBC betrays humanity in colossal manner, will “pay a fine or something”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A Senate inquiry has led to banking giant HSBC being fined $1.92 billion for laundering money for Mexican drug cartels. “We accept responsibility for our past mistakes,” said HSBC Chief Executive Officer Stuart Gulliver. “The HSBC of today is a fundamentally different organization from the one that made those mistakes. “Ha, I’m just fucking with you!” Gulliver added. “This fine only represents a month’s earnings for us, and we’ve been doing every [click here for full story]

Jan 162013
Social Security Administration smelt it, dealt it, then calls backsies

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After enduring months of “malodorous emissions,” the Social Security Administration issued an official reprimand to one employee for his flatulence problem. The reprimand letter—which runs four pages and contains a chart documenting 60 instances of office flatulence—charges the employee with “conduct unbecoming a federal employee” and “creating a hostile work environment” because of the repeated gas passing. “Goddamn, that bitch be stanky!” said Shontell Washington, who works in the same department as [click here for full story]

Jan 142013
No dancing around it: Miss USA shoots down the NRA

LAS VEGAS, Nev. — Mallory Hytes Hagan, a 23-year-old from Brooklyn, N.Y., tap-danced her way to the Miss America 2013 crown on Saturday night. “I can’t believe this is happening,” she said through tears, after last year’s winner, Laura Kaeppeler, put the crown on her head. Hagan beat out 52 other young women for the crown after winning both the bikini competition and the evening gown portion. In the personal-interview portion of the contest, Hagan [click here for full story]

Jan 112013
Gun owners “frustrated,” try to compensate with big gun party

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A conservative coalition is getting ready to celebrate the country’s first national Gun Appreciation Day (GAD) on January 19. The date was chosen to be two days before President Obama’s second inauguration, and event organizers say their purpose is to send a message. “If the American people don’t fight back now, Obama will do (to) the Second Amendment what he has already done to the First—gut it without a moment’s thought to [click here for full story]

Jan 092013
Treasury may pull a pot o’ platinum out of its vault

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Fresh off the fiscal cliff negotiations, the U.S. Congress is now gearing up for a battle over the debt ceiling. “In two months Democrats and Republicans have to come to an agreement over whether or not to raise our deficit limit,” said Republican Representative Paul Ryan, chairman of the House Budget Committee. “None of us understood the fiscal cliff and we avoided that, so whatever this ceiling thing is should be no [click here for full story]

Jan 072013
Financial markets rebound during Obama’s first term, GOP warns “Democrats are returning us to prosperity”

NEW YORK, N.Y. — During Barack Obama’s first four years as president, U.S. financial markets have made an alarming comeback. The S&P 500, a broad-based index of stock prices, was up 4.6 percent last week, closing at a new five-year high of 1,466 on Friday. This level was last seen in December 2007, before the financial crisis hit and sent the S&P reeling to its March 2009 low of 666. “This is a disaster for [click here for full story]

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