Dec 232012
 
Head of NRA ruled criminally insane, denied gun license

FAIRFAX, Va. — Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of the powerful National Rifle Association (NRA) gun lobby, has been found “legally and criminally insane” by a Virginia court. “In the wake of the horrific tragedy of the Newtown, Connecticut, school shootings, Mr. LaPierre did not soften his organization’s stance on gun ownership one iota,” said Dennis J. Smith, chief judge of Fairfax County’s 19th Circuit Court. “Instead, he had them ‘double-down’ their position and said that [click here for full story]

Dec 212012
 
Sky deity Tepeu appears at the temple of Tohil to explain Mayan calendar “for the last goddamn time”

Q’UQ’UMATZ, Yucatan Peninsula — As rumors about the world ending today continue to abound, a sky god who was also an original creator deity appeared at a major spiritual site of the Mayan people to make an announcement to the world. “Today is not the end of life on Earth, and you people would know that if you would pick up a fucking book once in a while,” Tepeu said from a talud-tablero terrace of [click here for full story]

Dec 182012
 
“Doomsday Prepper” masturbation rate reaches all-time high ahead of Mayan-predicted Armageddon

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — A subculture of people—now popularized in the NatGeo Network series Doomsday Preppers—who have made extensive preparations for surviving a global catastrophe, have been extremely busy in recent weeks. Long-standing stories of a worldwide apocalypse coming this Friday, allegedly predicted centuries ago by the Mayan civilization, have put preppers into overdrive. “This is what we’ve been training for,” said Dennis Evers, who has been profiled on the TV series. “For years we’ve been [click here for full story]

Dec 152012
 
NRA agrees to shut the fuck up about gun rights “at least through the weekend”

FAIRFAX, Va. — Trish Gregory, spokesperson for the powerful National Rifle Association (NRA) lobby, has said that the organization will “put a goddamn lid” on their work for the rights of U.S. firearms owners in the wake of the school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. “In sensitivity to this situation in which 27 people—20 of them young children—lost their lives at the hands of a gunman wielding two 9mm pistols and an AR-15 assault rifle, we have decided [click here for full story]

Dec 142012
 
North Korea launches satellite, files for bankruptcy

PYONGYANG, North Korea — On Wednesday, North Korean officials announced that their country had successfully launched its first rocket into orbit. The payload was reportedly a weather satellite, though there is skepticism about this claim. “A weather satellite? You have got to be shitting me,” said NASA Deputy Administrator Lori B. Garver. “The Earth is already circled by so many weather satellites they’re starting to block out the sun, and now North Korea has put [click here for full story]

Dec 122012
 
Apple Maps sends Aussies “buggerin' round a wobbler’s gum tree”

SYDNEY, Australia — Errors in Apple’s much-maligned Maps application has been directing some Australian motorists headed to the city of Mildurato to take a dangerous wrong turn into the remote Murray Sunset National Park. “(We) are extremely concerned as there is no water supply within the Park and temperatures can reach as high as 115 degrees Fahrenheit, making this a potentially life-threatening issue,” police said in a statement. “That’s hot enough to wonker the old [click here for full story]

Dec 112012
 
Fireball streaks over Texas, residents savor vindication of Armageddon

DENTON, Tex. — This past Friday a bright fireball was seen by hundreds of Texas residents as it blazed an east-to-west trail through the early-evening sky. As news of the event spread, including video of the event shown on local news, panic spread across the state. “It’s the End Times!” proclaimed Texas Governor Rick Perry. “Get to your Glenn Beck–approved shelters and reflect on how our all-loving Heavenly Father is raining death and destruction down [click here for full story]

Dec 092012
 
Astronomers discover “overmassive” black hole, struggle to write joke for it

  HEIDELBERG, Germany – A group of astronomers led by Remco van den Bosch from the Max Planck Institute for Astronomy have discovered a black hole about 17 billion times the mass of our sun, and many times more massive than most “supermassive” black holes found at the center of almost all galaxies. “This is a most mirthful discovery,” van den Bosch said. “When we did the calculations and found the extraordinary mass of this [click here for full story]

Dec 072012
 
E! network sets a sorry bar

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – Kristen Stewart, star of the über-popular Twilight movies, has ended her year of scandal on a high note after she was named one of the most inspiring stars of 2012 by E! Entertainment Television. The editors at EOnline.com wrote they put Stewart at number seven on their list because “We were so impressed that she publicly apologized to her boyfriend (Twilight series co-star Robert Pattinson) after cheating on him. As an actress Ms. [click here for full story]

Dec 042012
 
Kim Kardashian visits Bahrain, has unwelcome brush with social relevance

MANAMA, Bahrain – Reality-TV personality Kim Kardashian’s recent trip to Bahrain to promote the Millions of Milkshakes ice cream chain has drawn the ire of groups all across the globe. Her visit “generates positive publicity for a Bahraini regime which carried out an unspeakably brutal crackdown on its people last year, and continues a fierce campaign of repression,” said Marc Lynch, director of the Institute for Middle East Studies at The George Washington University. “Ms. Kardashian was [click here for full story]

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