Nov 292012
For Pope Benedict, there’s no place like Rome

VATICAN CITY – In response to France legalizing gay marriage, Pope Benedict XVI has said gay people are not fully developed humans since they do not obey Catholic law. “Catholic values of marriage and the family must be obeyed, because they permit the full development of the human person,” the Pope said in a speech. “Anything less will make the Baby Jesus cry. “Yes, it’s true that I myself am not married and do not [click here for full story]

Nov 272012
Colorado college students shooting blanks

BOULDER, Colo. – In August the University of Colorado announced that it would ban firearms in dorms, but would create a segregated residential area for students who have permits to carry concealed handguns. Now more than three months after the rule change, no students have asked to live in the segregated residential area that allows guns on the Boulder or Colorado Springs campuses. “I just don’t understand it,” said the university’s president, Bruce Benson. “Students [click here for full story]

Nov 262012
Egypt jumps out of the frying pan and into the Morsi

  CAIRO, Egypt– After a populist uprising that ousted authoritarian leader Hosni Mubarak last year, Egypt may be back in the grip of a leader with authoritarian ambitions. Current President Mohammed Morsi, who was elected by a narrow margin in June, announced a series of edicts last week which place him above oversight of any kind, including that of the courts. “This gig totally rocks!” Morsi effused. “At first I was stoked because I got [click here for full story]

Nov 212012
U.S. media returns from break, finds inbox full

NEW YORK, N.Y. – The violence in the Middle East has caught American media outlets by surprise, and their personnel are scrambling to get a hold on the story. “This is a complicated situation going back centuries,” said CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer. “There’s Israel and someplace called ‘Gaza,’ then these groups Hamas and Hezbollah and no one in the office even knows what countries these people live in. After doing nothing but cover the presidential [click here for full story]

Nov 192012
Man ponders future with Romney sitting on his face

MICHIGAN CITY, Ind. – A local man who got a Mitt Romney logo tattooed on his face claims he “is fine with it” even though Romney lost the election. The man, 30-year-old professional wrestler Eric Hartsburg, says he wants his tattoo to send a message to young people. “I want young people to know that it’s OK to be young, and it’s OK to be a Republican. You don’t have to be rich or elderly [click here for full story]

Nov 152012
Petraeus tried to avoid scandal, but “bitches be trippin’”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Gen. David Petraeus was forced to resign as director of the CIA after it was revealed that he had an extramarital affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. The affair only came to light when Broadwell believed that another woman was showing a romantic interest in Petraeus, and a flurry of e-mails was exchanged between the two women. The e-mails from Broadwell allegedly became threatening, and eventually the second woman, Jill Kelly, contacted [click here for full story]

Nov 122012
Speaker Boehner: GOP may start working for the people “if we have to”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of President Obama being elected to a second term in office, congressional Republicans say they might start to gear their legislative agenda towards the people who elected them. “It’s a new thing we’re thinking about trying,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner. “When Obama was elected to his first term in 2008, we made it clear that the GOP’s number-one priority would be to make him a one-term president. [click here for full story]

Nov 052012
Romney sticks it to the man—by sticking it to his woman

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A coalition of unions and nonprofit groups are charging that Mitt Romney violated the Ethics in Government Act in 2009 by burying an investment in his wife’s name. The investment in Singer Associates LP used Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP) funds in part to ship at least 25,000 jobs overseas and short-change pensioners. “Well, duh,” Mr. Romney replied. “That TARP money was just sitting there, begging me to take it. I’m not [click here for full story]

Nov 012012
Paul Ryan phones the bishop, rubs one out

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan has found himself in hot water with the Catholic Church. Ryan authored the current U.S. House budget proposal, and in an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network’s David Brody, he said his budget was crafted using his Catholic faith as inspiration. “And I threw in some good stuff about stoning prostitutes to death,” Ryan added. “You should totally check it out.” The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops [click here for full story]

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