Sep 292012
 
Kelly Osbourne gets $250,000 manicure, tells complaining fans “F*** off or I will s*** in your mouths LOL!”

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – This year’s Emmy Awards ceremony had its version of a scandal when Kelly Osbourne sported a manicure costing a quarter of a million dollars. When Osbourne received an avalanche of protests saying that the manicure was wasteful and in poor taste, she answered via Twitter that “I see that my nail polish has offended some of you, however I see your point, but it was a once in a lifetime experience. #MyApologizes. [click here for full story]

Sep 282012
 
NFL referees return, Americans get back to…What were we doing before all that happened?

NEW YORK, N.Y. – After being locked out by team owners through the first three weeks of the season, the regular NFL officiating crew is back at it, working last night’s Broncos–Ravens game. Tempers of fans, players and coaches had been flaring at the poor officiating of the replacement referees, and the situation reached its height this past Monday. A blown call on the final play of the Seattle–Green Bay game gave Seattle the victory, [click here for full story]

Sep 262012
 
Ann Romney fooled by robot Mitt during campaign retooling

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Japanese roboticists have built a mechanical replica of Mitt Romney that has deceived many of Romney’s closest associates—including his wife Ann. “A bunch of us were just sitting on the campaign bus talking of this and that, and when my back was turned, Mitt got up and someone put this robot likeness of him in the chair next to me,” Mrs. Romney said. “I turned back around and said something to the [click here for full story]

Sep 222012
 
Jesus updates Facebook status to “Married”

PRINCETON, N.J. – A papyrus fragment containing the words “Jesus said, ‘My wife…” has come to light, offering the most tangible evidence to date that Jesus was married. “We have anecdotal evidence to suggest that He was married, but this is the first direct reference made to Jesus’ spouse,” said Princeton Professor Elaine Pagels, an expert on early Christian writings. “And we’re confident from the content of the writing that Jesus was indeed married. The [click here for full story]

Sep 212012
 
Apple wins one court case, then takes another one right in the seeds

GENEVA, Switzerland – Swiss railway operator SBB and a Swiss watchmaker are considering challenging Apple Inc. over the striking similarity between the Switzerland’s trademark train-station clocks and the clock on a new operating system for the iPad. “We now have to agree on the legal framework between SBB and Apple,” said SBB spokesman Reto Kormann. “I cannot respond further right now since I have no verdammt idea what I just said. The lawyers write this [click here for full story]

Sep 202012
 
New TV show has oddly mismatched characters

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – The ABC fall lineup will have a new comedy/drama series, Spangler and Boots, whose two lead characters come from different backgrounds and have incongruous personalities, which sometimes puts them in wacky situations. “This is a cutting-edge experiment in prime-time programming,” said Paul Lee, president of ABC Entertainment Group. “We wanted to find out what would happen if the two main players came from opposite sides of the tracks, so to speak. I’m [click here for full story]

Sep 182012
 
NASA beams “piece of shit” song back from Mars, apologizes to nation

HOUSTON, Tex. – In a history-making gesture, NASA project engineers loaded a song into the software of the Mars rover, Curiosity, with the intention of broadcasting the song back to Earth. “We thought it would be something fun, and would help get people involved in the rover’s mission,” said John Callas, Curiosity project manager. “After all, this rover belongs to everyone, and we want everyone to share in what we discover. “Unfortunately, we didn’t listen [click here for full story]

Sep 132012
 
Romney attacks Obama over Libya attacks, GOP looks for new candidate

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has outraged even Republican leadership, Mitt Romney’s campaign is blaming President Obama and his administration for the attacks that killed the U.S. ambassador to Libya and three others on Tuesday. “We have seen a foreign policy of weakness, indecision, and a decline in American influence and respect—and yesterday we saw the consequences,” Romney’s campaign said in a statement. “And also solar flares. We think the Obama administration is [click here for full story]

Sep 122012
 
In fulfillment of prophesy, Paul Ryan’s pants actually catch fire

JANESVILLE, Wis. – Paul Ryan has had a rough ride since being named the Republican vice-presidential candidate. In his biggest appearance since the announcement of his nomination, Ryan gave a speech at the Republican National Convention that contained a number of significant statements that were easily verifiable as lies. The outcry was massive and immediate, prompting political commentators like Sally Kohn to write that “Ryan’s speech was an apparent attempt to set the world record [click here for full story]

Sep 102012
 

HOUSTON, Tex. – After a seven-month cease-fire, dozens of factions erupted in violent clashes across the U.S. yesterday, while reports of injuries continue to mount. “It surpasses human understanding that people would willingly engage in such hideous brutality,” said Joshua Higgins, who watched extensive coverage of the clashes from his home here. “What makes it even more incomprehensible is that it’s ultimately meaningless. I will never understand the depths to which human depravity can sink. [click here for full story]

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