Aug 302012
Newt Gingrich storms stage at GOP convention, demands to be nominee

TAMPA BAY, Fla. – Former Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich caught attendees of the GOP convention by surprise last night when he walked onto the speakers’ stage, interrupting the proceedings. He then pushed Mike Huckabee—who was making a speech at the time—off of the dais, and addressed the crowd. “You cannot do this! You cannot make Mitt Romney your nominee!” Gingrich exclaimed. “I and I alone am the one true Republican. I am the way [click here for full story]

Aug 272012
Mormons’ “pretend Jesus” angers God, Isaac bears down on GOP convention

TAMPA BAY, Fla. – Today was to have been the opening day of the 2012 Republican National Convention, but it was postponed due the arrival of Hurricane Isaac on Florida’s shores. “This is a great day for the GOP,” said Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee co-chair. “We were going to have to sit through a bunch of speeches and shit today, but now we can get out and party. Thousands of hookers came to town [click here for full story]

Aug 212012
Merriam–Webster adds “f–bomb” to its lexicon, tweens ask “WTF is a lexicon?”

NEW YORK, N.Y. – The term “f–bomb” officially made it into mainstream vocabulary last week when Merriam–Webster included it on their Collegiate Dictionary. This new entry came about in part because of its increased use in society, and also because publishers of reference books want to stay current to appeal to a younger demographic. “We really think that including ‘f–bomb’ in the dictionary will get kids totes ciced ’bout words, yo,” said Kory Stamper, an [click here for full story]

Aug 202012
Krispy Kreme stands for truth, doughnuts and the American way

WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. – To celebrate America’s state fair season, Krispy Kreme is releasing two new doughnuts: the Cotton Candy and the Caramel Apple Cake. The Cotton Candy doughnut is an original Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut dipped in cotton candy sugar, and the Caramel Apple Cake doughnut is an apple doughnut drizzled with caramel icing. “As part of our dedication to our customers, we here at Krispy Kreme continue to make revolutionary advances in the science [click here for full story]

Aug 192012
Christians mad, Obama bad, for health care that women already had

WHEATON, Ill. – Wheaton College, an evangelical liberal arts school, has asked a Washington, D.C., federal court for an injunction against the Obama administration’s emergency contraception coverage mandate. Wheaton is one of several religious institutions, including Roman Catholic organizations, currently suing the Obama administration over the rule, which went into effect August 1. “President Obama is forcing all women everywhere to use contraception in violation of their religious beliefs,” said Wheaton College spokesperson LaTonya Taylor. [click here for full story]

Aug 162012
Nice guys finish first: Iowans tell Obama “Four more beers!”

DES MOINES, Iowa – A recent USA Today-Gallup poll said that President Obama is liked by 60 percent of voters, while Romney scored only 30 percent in likability, which statisticians find significant. “The candidate deemed more likeable has won the last five presidential elections,” the Gallup company said in a statement. “This is referred to as the ‘beer test of likeability,’ so named because voters are choosing the candidate they would rather have a beer [click here for full story]

Aug 132012
Secretary of State Clinton goes to Africa, does stuff

COTONOU, Benin – U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton completed a nine-nation African tour on Friday, and has now traveled 865,000 miles and visited 108 countries during her time in office. This is 10 more countries than any other U.S. Secretary of State had ever visited, but observers are saying that’s not the most amazing part of Clinton’s tenure. “What I can’t believe is that a U.S. government official actually accomplished something,” said Jim Lehrer, [click here for full story]

Aug 122012
Paul’s pill party: A candidate’s lost weekend

WEST ALLIS, Wis. – Though U.S. Representative Paul Ryan was just announced this weekend as the Republican vice-presidential candidate, the digging into his past has already begun. A YouTube video posted last year shows Ryan giving a speech during which 71-year-old retired plumber Tom Nielson voiced an objection to Ryan’s plan to make deep cuts to Social Security and Medicare. “I paid into that for 50 years, my unemployment, my Social Security and my Medicare [click here for full story]

Aug 112012
Romney announces Ryan for VP—via iPhone, on a Saturday?

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney announced this morning that Representative Paul Ryan of Wisconsin will be his candidate for vice president. The announcement has been a big surprise to many media and political observers not because of who was chosen, but in the way the announcement was made. “Not one interesting thing has happened in this painful slog of a campaign for months,” said NBC News anchor Brian Williams. “Romney choosing [click here for full story]

Aug 092012
America loses convenience-store food dominance, scientists vow revenge

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. – The United States of America, the undisputed fast-food innovation nation on the planet, has fallen behind much of the developed world in the key area of convenience-store mashed potato technology. The food and condiment company Maggi has developed a machine that combines mashed potato mix with hot water, dispenses the mashed potatoes into a cup, then tops it with gravy. These machines have become popular fixtures in 7-Eleven stores in Europe and [click here for full story]

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