Jul 262012
Chick-fil-A anti-gay, Muppets say “No way!”

ATLANTA, Ga. – Fast-food giant Chick-fil-A is quickly losing business in the wake of company president Dan Cathy’s announcement that he is against gay marriage. “It’s my right as a private citizen, and our right as a private company, to be against those dirty homos,” he said. “I don’t care who protests and who boycotts, there is a principle at stake here: depriving people of their rights based on their sexual orientation. I don’t make [click here for full story]

Jul 252012
LIBOR scandal makes Jim Cramer and Bernie Madoff hurt so good

NEW YORK, N.Y. – As the investigation into the illegal rigging of the LIBOR, a key interest rate, gets under way, financial experts are contemplating the scope of the scandal. “Hot buttered dingo dogs, this is humongous!” said Jim Cramer, host of CNBC’s Mad Money. “Every financial instrument in the world is linked to the LIBOR, and a small handful of guys in London have been rigging it for years! This is crazy! I mean, [click here for full story]

Jul 232012
Romney: This is who I am — deal with it

PARK CITY, Utah – After months of criticisms saying he is out of touch with the struggles of the vast majority of Americans, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney says he has “had enough. I amassed a huge fortune by being a corporate raider, buying companies and either selling them piecemeal and putting people out of work, or keeping the companies but outsourcing the workforce to India and China. So I’m no longer going to pretend [click here for full story]

Jul 202012

AUSTIN, Tex. – The Republican Party of Texas has announced its 2012 legislative platform, drawing sharp criticism from a wide spectrum of groups across the country. One item that has drawn particular attention states that the Texas GOP opposes “the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills…critical thinking skills and similar programs that are simply a relabeling of Outcome-Based Education…which focus on behavior modification and have the purpose of challenging the student’s fixed beliefs and undermining [click here for full story]

Jul 192012

LONDON, England – After company officials admitted to fraudulently manipulating the London interbank offer rate (LIBOR), Barclays Bank was hit with a record ₤290 million ($455 million) fine. “The LIBOR is the interest rate at which banks borrow from other banks, and largely determines the interest rate of about $550 trillion in financial instruments like mortgages,” said U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. “That’s right: I said $550 trillion. This sum is far beyond human comprehension, [click here for full story]

Jul 162012
Katy Perry gives herself titty-twister; Syria “now in civil war”

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – Underwriters of Katy Perry’s current tour have asked her to stop wearing revolving bras onstage after an incident last week. “My hair got caught in the wheels of my spinning peppermint bra and began to coil around and around,” Perry said. “The insurance people are worried I’m going to hurt my neck if it happens again. It just goes to show you what a pack of dullards insurance people are: I’ve got [click here for full story]

Jul 132012
Pakistani Sunnis disavow Nobel laureate, then have lunch

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan – The late physicist Abdus Salam, who helped develop the theoretical framework that led to the apparent discovery of the subatomic “God particle” last week, has been stricken from Pakistan’s school textbooks by that country’s Sunni Muslim majority. “It’s not so much that Salam was a member of the Ahmadi sect of Muslims, though Ahmadis are godless sodomites and doomed to burn in hell for all eternity,” said Abdul Hafiz, a Sunni leader [click here for full story]

Jul 112012

NEW YORK, N.Y. – Financial analysts now say that recent trading losses for banking giant JPMorgan Chase, originally estimated by the bank at $2 billion, could be as high as $9 billion. “Hey, what do you want from me?” said company CEO Jamie Dimon. “Some reporter asked me in May how much my company had lost, so I pulled some incredible number out of my ass just to shut him up. I mean, losing $2 [click here for full story]

Jul 102012
Woman targeted for Internet “fail” commits suicide

TORONTO, Canada – A woman who accidentally e-mailed a photo of actor Nicolas Cage instead of her résumé when applying for a job has committed suicide in the wake of her gaffe. “We’ve been told by her family that the mistake itself was no so bad,” said a Toronto police officer who asked not to be identified. “In fact, she laughed when she found out about it, and was planning to simply follow up by [click here for full story]

Jul 092012

GENEVA, Switzerland – Physicists at the CERN research center here have found a new subatomic particle believed to be the Higgs boson, or so-called God particle, which is thought to be the key to how matter developed from the primordial soup of the early universe. “We have reached a milestone in our understanding of nature,” CERN director general Rolf Heuer told a gathering of scientists and the world’s media near Geneva on Wednesday. “This discovery [click here for full story]

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