Jun 292012

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark decision, the U.S. Supreme Court yesterday upheld the constitutionality of the Affordable Care Act, the nation’s health-care legislation. “Well, what do you know about that?” said Associated Press analyst Ricardo Alonso-Zaldivar. “A Supreme Court made up mainly of justices who were appointed by conservative presidents said that providing a vital service for our country’s most vulnerable citizens is valid under the constitution. There must be some mistake. Has anyone [click here for full story]

Jun 272012

HONOLULU, Hawaii – Oracle Corporation’s Chief Executive Officer Larry Ellison is set to finalize the purchase of 98 percent of the Hawaiian island of Lanai today. “I and my administration are 100 percent behind Mr. Ellison in his quest to purchase the island,” said Hawaii’s Governor Neil Abercrombie, “provided his check clears.” There seems to be little chance of Ellison’s check not clearing, since the purchase price of the island is estimated to be in [click here for full story]

Jun 252012
Republican plan to remain out of touch “has been working so far”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Republican National Committee (RNC) has been busy these last few days backpedaling from a glaring gaffe. In a push to court the Latino vote, the Committee launched its RNC Latino website—but last week the site’s banner image was of Asian children. “Wait, I thought we were pandering to Asians this week,” said RNC Chair Reince Priebus. “Oh, it’s Latinos. How the hell am I supposed to know who it is with [click here for full story]

Jun 202012
Some Republicans realize tax breaks for rich contribute to deficit; sun falls from sky

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a startling move, Senator Lindsey Graham has broken ranks with his fellow Republicans by saying that giving tax breaks to the rich is possibly not the best plan for resolving our nation’s debt crisis. “When you talk about eliminating deductions and tax credits for the few, at the expense of the many, I think over time the Republican party’s position is going to shift,” he said. “It needs to, quite frankly, [click here for full story]

Jun 192012
Perverted penguins postpone paper’s publication

TRING, England – A report on the eye-opening sexual behaviors of a species of penguin that was hidden for nearly 100 years because it was too graphic has been rediscovered recently at the Natural History Museum here. The findings of the report were recently published in the Cambridge University Press journal Polar Record, and a spokesman for the Record said “This story about these sexually deviant flightless birds has really bumped up our circulation. We [click here for full story]

Jun 182012
Michigan legislator lets a vagina slip through her lips

LANSING, Mich. – Michigan House Representative Lisa Brown was barred from speaking in the state House after she used the word “vagina” during a debate on the House floor. “Holy shit, was that hilarious,” said Gary Randall, clerk of the House. “There was an argument over some resolution or something, so everyone in chambers is either texting or playing Angry Birds. Then bam! This chick up on the podium says ‘vagina’ and there was this [click here for full story]

Jun 152012

VATICAN CITY – The pope’s butler, Paolo Gabriele, has been arrested on charges of leaking sensitive Vatican documents to the Italian media. The documents contain allegations of corruption over how the Vatican awarded work contracts. “There was nothing illegal involved in any contracts we awarded,” said a Vatican spokesperson. “Even though Vatican City is technically a sovereign nation, it’s still located inside Italy, and there’s a certain way of doing business here. When some guys [click here for full story]

Jun 132012
Cat ’copter still viral; civilian deaths continue to mount in Syria

NORFOLK, Va. – More than a week after their release, photos of a dead cat that was converted into a toy helicopter continue to circulate widely via e-mail and social-networking sites. Several YouTube videos have become popular as well, and the story has even been picked up by media outlets across the world. “This is the most horrible outrage imaginable,” said Daphna Nachminovitch of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. “A man who loved [click here for full story]

Jun 112012

RALEIGH, N.C. – The North Carolina Senate’s environment committee has approved a bill to ignore scientists’ warnings that sea levels will rise 39 inches by the year 2100. Committee members expect the bill to pass into law and are hoping for a senate vote soon. “We’re on a roll,” said Republican Senator David Rouzer, who presented the bill. “The North Carolina GOP is shooting down all kinds of nerdy science stuff. We’ve been inspired by [click here for full story]

Jun 072012

NEW YORK, N.Y. – Irving Picard, the court-appointed trustee who is liquidating Bernie Madoff’s investment business, asked a judge to approve $45 million in fees for four months’ work for him and his law firm. This sum would bring their total fees in the case to $224 million. “Madoff was a fool and deserved to go to prison,” Picard said. “Why use an illegal Ponzi scheme to rip people off when you can do it [click here for full story]

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