May 302012
An UGGly proposal for American drongos

GOLETA, Calif. – The company that brought the über-popular UGG sheepskin boots to America is now grabbing for a piece of America’s $40-billion-a-year bridal industry. “We’re excited to announce the ‘I Do’ line of UGGs for weddings,” said Connie Rishwain, president of UGG Australia. “You Yank whackers spend such an obscene amount on weddings we figured, Why not? You already make bridesmaids buy hideously ugly dresses that they’ll never wear again, so why not make [click here for full story]

May 292012

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. – Memorial Day saw the annual Indianapolis 500, the nation’s most famous car race. Many consider this race to be an icon of modern American culture, with deep underpinnings in our communal national identity. “This race represents the futility of our existence,” said Janice Dobson, a philosophy professor at Brown University. “The drivers believe they are heading towards a goal, the archetypal American Dream, but in reality they are simply going around in [click here for full story]

May 242012

KENT, Wash. – A 21-year-old-man, Yong Hyun Kim, is accused of striking a 10-year-old boy in the face during a recent showing of Titanic at an AMC movie theater here.  Kim said that the boy and his friends were being disruptive during the movie, throwing popcorn at him and his girlfriend and hitting their seats. “My people appreciate all your country has done for us,” said Kim, whose parents come from South Korea. “But your [click here for full story]

May 232012

HAMBURG, Germany – Researchers here believe that human urine is responsible for an algae bloom that killed over 500 fish at Eichbaum Lake. “The urine contains phosphates which lead to excessive algae growth,” said Heinrich Grieg, a marine biologist at the University of Hamburg. “The extra algae uses up oxygen and the fish suffocate. Once we explained this to swimmers, they agreed to not urinate in the lake so that everyone could continue to enjoy [click here for full story]

May 212012

NEW YORK, N.Y. – Last week the social-networking giant Facebook made an initial public offering (IPO) of its stock, and with almost $105 billion in total sales, it became the biggest-ever IPO for a tech company. “Bang, zoom, pow! Grab this company people, grab it now!” said Jim Kramer, host of Mad Money on CNBC. “Take out a second mortgage, break the kids’ piggy banks and bet it all. This MySpace thing is going to [click here for full story]

May 172012

WEST ISLIP, N.Y. – A Long Island woman who donated a kidney to save her boss’ life was fired by her boss after the transplant operation. “I don’t see any problem with that,” said Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly. “The boss is a member of the productive class and must be protected. That’s why they get health care and tax breaks. Workers have no need for similar protections because there are so many of them. [click here for full story]

May 142012

ST. CLOUD, Minn. – Republican congresswoman and former presidential candidate Michele Bachmann has given up the Swiss citizenship she has held for 34 years. “I automatically became a dual citizen of the United States and Switzerland in 1978 when I married my husband, Marcus,” Bachmann said. “Marcus is a dual American and Swiss citizen because he is the son of Swiss immigrants. I guess you could say he swings both ways. “My staff told me [click here for full story]

May 082012

MADISON, Wis. – With today’s Democratic gubernatorial primary, campaigning is in full swing in Wisconsin for an election to recall the state’s current Republican governor, Scott Walker. “Governor Walker has betrayed the people of Wisconsin,” said Doug LaFollette, a Democrat running for the chance to oppose Walker in the recall election. “He violated Wisconsin’s open-meeting laws to strip the state’s workers of their collective-bargaining rights at the behest of his biggest campaign contributors, the billionaire [click here for full story]

May 072012

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Mitt Romney’s national security spokesman, Richard Grenell, resigned last week after evangelical groups questioned his conservatism because he is gay. “Mr. Grenell is intelligent, conscientious and highly qualified,” said Bryan Fischer, a leader at the politically influential American Family Association. “He would have made a great national security spokesperson, and later a great national security advisor. But, he’s a banana-rammer. As Republicans, we believe it’s more important to follow obscure and prejudiced [click here for full story]

May 012012

BEJING, China – Chinese fashion firm Xiamen Jinzhi has named a line of its sunglasses after the late Helen Keller, the American girl who was stricken deaf and blind after an illness at the age of 19 months. “I know; sunglasses named after a deaf and blind woman! Hilarious, right?” said company spokesperson Chen Wenjing. “What, too soon? “Well, who cares a Peking duck what you Americans think. If you keep coming to us to [click here for full story]

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