Apr 262012
Tampon-shaped flash drive unveiled; Republicans have primaries and stuff

RIO DE JANIERO, Brazil – Local merchandiser Meninos is selling a USB flash drive with a twist: It’s shaped like a tampon. “It looks just like a tampon, complete with a string,” said Chris Hardwick, a popular technology “geek” and host of the PBS’s Wired Science. “By pulling off the top of the ‘tampon’ you expose the USB plug for the flash drive. Then you can plug it into any standard USB port in any [click here for full story]

Apr 252012

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Since Rick Santorum dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination, party leadership has been looking ahead to the general election. “Though Romney pulled away from Santorum in the delegate count, Santorum had such a strong showing in key regions that we’re starting to think he should be our vice-presidential candidate,” said GOP pollster and strategist Whit Ayers. “Both candidates have carried the banner of GOP values—like protections for the [click here for full story]

Apr 182012

PYONGYANG, North Korea – Reports of their nation’s rocket launch and its subsequent explosion have now been confirmed by North Korean officials. “The rocket flew about one or two minutes before it exploded in midair,” an official from North Korea’s Committee for Space Technology said through an interpreter. “It was so totally cool! At first we were all like, ‘That goddamn thing is actually taking off!’ then bang! There was a giant fireball and shit [click here for full story]

Apr 172012

NEW YORK,  N.Y. – In a move that has raised eyebrows across the technology and financial sectors, Facebook acquired the photo-sharing app Instagram for a whopping $1 billion in cash and stock. “Who would have ever thought such a useless and redundant waste of time as Instagram was worth that kind of coin? This guy!” said 27-year-old CEO and co-founder of Instagram, Kevin Systrom. “My cut was about $400 million for developing a way to [click here for full story]

Apr 112012

NASHVILLE, Tenn. – In a move that has surprised no one, Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam allowed a controversial bill allowing public school teachers to challenge evolution to sit on his desk until his inaction made it a law. “This was a courageous display of inertia,” said Haslam spokesman Dave Smith. “By not vetoing or signing the bill within the mandated seven-day period, this legislation allowing Creationism to trump science in our state’s science classrooms has [click here for full story]

Apr 112012

NASHVILLE, Tenn. –Tennessee legislators are on the verge of adopting a law that would allow public school teachers to challenge global warming and evolution in their classrooms without fear of sanction. This measure was primarily sponsored by Republican state Senator Bo Watson, who called it “the mighty hand of an all-powerful God striking out against those who would anger him, bringing light to the darkness and order to a world gone mad. “If you guys [click here for full story]

Apr 092012

AUGUSTA, Ga.– At yesterday’s Masters tournament, a fan yelled “Get in the hole!” after golfer Bubba Watson’s drive on the eighth hole. “The eighth hole is a 570-yard par-five. Why the hell would someone yell ‘Get in the hole!’ when the hole is 570 yards away?” asked CBS broadcaster Jim Nantz. “It takes two good shots for the best pros to even reach the green from that far away. You never hear golf fans in [click here for full story]

Apr 052012

MADISON, Wis. – While campaigning for this week’s Republican presidential primary in Wisconsin, Rick Santorum claimed that American history is not taught in California’s state-run universities. “I was just reading something last night from the state of California,” he said Monday, “and that the California universities—I think it’s seven or eight of the California system of universities—don’t even teach an American history course. It’s not even available to be taught. How can California’s youth be [click here for full story]

Apr 042012

SILVER SPRING, Md. – With victories in yesterday’s Maryland, Wisconsin and Washington, D.C. primaries, Mitt Romney looks to be a lock for the Republican presidential nomination. “Yeah, OK, sure, whatever,” said Jeff Larson, chief of staff for the Republican National Committee. “I mean, I guess he’s our nominee. He’s the Mormon guy, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought. We’ll go with him.” While many Republican leaders and voters are glad that after a long and [click here for full story]

Apr 032012

MILWAUKEE, Wis. – Rick Santorum has pledged to stay in the race for the GOP presidential nomination even if he has a poor showing in the Wisconsin primary today. “It’s true that I trail Mitt Romney in total delegates by a two-to-one margin, and that I need three-quarters of the remaining delegates in order to win the nomination,” Santorum said. “Everyone in the Republican leadership—and even my own campaign staff—has urged me to drop out [click here for full story]

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