Mar 262012

FALLS CHURCH, Va. – Former Vice President Dick Cheney is said to be “resting comfortably” after receiving a heart transplant last week. “Mr. Cheney is doing quite well, and is expected to make a full recovery,” said Tony Raker, spokesperson for Inova Fairfax Hospital here. “But technically this wasn’t a heart transplant, it was a heart implant. Because this is his first heart, you see—he didn’t have one before. Get it? That’s our little office [click here for full story]

Mar 232012

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After keeping Vice President Joe Biden under wraps since campaign season began last summer, the White House decided to allow him to make a public appearance; with disastrous results. “The press corps had been after us to let (Biden) out, but we didn’t want him opening his yap,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “But they kept on us and on us until it looked suspicious to keep him hidden anymore. [click here for full story]

Mar 222012

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprise move, Republican leaders are planning to ask Sarah Palin to run for president. “We don’t know what else to do,” said Republican National Committee chair, Reince Priebus. “Last summer we had more candidates than we could count, but they were really just decoys. We were just parading a bunch of gay-hating Bible thumpers around to make our real candidates seem sane in comparison. “But once we finally unveiled our [click here for full story]

Mar 192012

NEW YORK, N.Y. – A video circulating on the Internet shows Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum illustrating the dangers of socialized medicine. The footage was taken at a talk he gave on Feb. 3 at the Grace Bible Church in Columbia, Mo., where he told the mostly elderly audience that health-care costs are so high in Holland that the government has been forcibly euthanizing the elderly to save money. Santorum claimed that the practice is [click here for full story]

Mar 162012

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. – Rob Morris, a Republican state representative in Indiana, recently refused to sign a nonbinding resolution honoring the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts of America, saying it is a “radicalized organization” that supports abortion and promotes the “homosexual lifestyle.” In a letter to his fellow House Republicans, he wrote that “You don’t have to be very smart to see what they’re up to. They’re sending young girls door to door under the [click here for full story]

Mar 142012

JACKSON, Miss. – With wins in the Alabama and Mississippi primaries yesterday, GOP presidential hopeful Rick Santorum narrowed the delegate gap between himself and long-time front-runner Mitt Romney. “This is a sign from God,” Santorum told supporters at his campaign headquarters here. “My message of returning to biblical law has resonated here in the Deep South. In this region of rampant obesity and illiteracy people have clearly given up on this life and have begun [click here for full story]

Mar 122012

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. – As the race for the Republican presidential nomination continues to be hotly contested, Rick Santorum has joined his fellow candidates in criticizing President Obama. Last week he accused Obama of blaming past administrations for the country’s current woes, and he vowed he would not do the same when he himself becomes president. “I will never mention a former president’s name when I am in office,” Santorum said at a rally in Westerville, [click here for full story]

Mar 072012

COLUMBUS, Ohio – With Super Tuesday behind them, Republicans are now more lost than ever in their quest for a presidential candidate, even though a clear front-runner has emerged. “Super Tuesday is 10 state primaries with over 400 delegates up for grabs,” said Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus. “That’s more delegates awarded in one day than there have been in the last two months put together, and we really figured today would bring us [click here for full story]

Mar 052012

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Amid growing concern that Israel will attack Iran over Iran’s nuclear program, President Obama is meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu at the White House today. “We heard that something might be going on with Israel and the Middle East, so we thought we’d check it out,” said Obama’s national security adviser, Tom Donilon. “Since the Super Tuesday primaries are tomorrow, we were going to spend today in front of the [click here for full story]

Mar 012012

FLINT, Mich. – A day after his primary loss here to Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum took up a new talking point for his campaign. “Since when is there a 29th day in February?” he asked supporters gathered in a conference room at his hotel. “God decreed that there would be 28 days in February, and now that we have a Muslim president suddenly there are 29. I can’t be the only one who sees the [click here for full story]

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