Nov 302011

DECATUR, Ill. – State Rep. Bill Mitchell has introduced a bill to the Illinois General Assembly to separate Cook County—which includes Chicago—from the rest of Illinois; which would make that urban area the nation’s 51st state. “It’s a directive from the RNC (Republican National Committee) that everyone in the party has to introduce one crazy piece of legislation per year, just something to get us in the papers and on TV,” he said. “The year [click here for full story]

Nov 252011

ARLINGTON, Va. – Despite repeated entreaties from his family, former vice president Dick Cheney has said he will not go shopping at his local mall the day after Thanksgiving. “It’s going to be a quagmire,” he said, referencing the size of the crowds on the busiest shopping day of the year. “There’s nothing there that we need, and with the trouble parking and the lines to get into the stores there’s no telling how long [click here for full story]

Nov 202011

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The “Super Congress”—made up of three Democrats and three Republicans each from the House and Senate—is tasked with writing a bill that cuts at least $1.5 trillion from the U.S. budget by the Thanksgiving deadline; but the Beltway buzz is that their powers could extend beyond the budget cuts. “Legislation coming from this committee would not be subject to filibusters or amendments,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R–Ky.). “Can you believe [click here for full story]

Nov 142011

ROME, Italy – Italy’s three-term prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, has resigned after mounting scandal and criminal activity during his time in office. “After 17 years of rampant corruption and abuse of power that has undermined the stability and well-being of the entire country, Mr. Berlusconi handed me his resignation today,” said Italy’s president, Giorgio Napolitano on Saturday. “While his exit has sparked celebrations across the country, I’m really going to miss the guy. This dude [click here for full story]

Nov 052011

CHICAGO, Ill. – A local writer, James Polk, has expressed deep frustration that despite the seeming boon of Kim Kardashian’s announced intention to divorce her husband of only 72 days, he has been unable to come up with an idea for a satirical story about the event. “At first I thought that this story would write itself,” Polk said. “But when I sat down at the keyboard, I had nothing. When I thought that anyone [click here for full story]

Nov 012011

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In this worst-ever year for natural disasters in the U.S., the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has been working hard, and according to most experts, doing quite well at providing relief and support to people affected by the disasters. According to FEMA Director W. Craig Fugate, part of the reason for their success has come because they have been following a hurricane preparedness-and-recovery model used by Waffle House restaurants. “We now look [click here for full story]

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