Oct 212011

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to experts, the world is quickly running out of helium. Within as little as one generation, this inert gas used to inflate balloons and comically raise voice pitch when inhaled might be a thing of the past. “This will have a ripple effect through the entire economy, from Mylar balloon manufacturing to amusement-park vending of theme-based trinkets,” said CNBC financial analyst Larry Kudlow. “Let CNBC be your number-one source for updates [click here for full story]

Oct 132011

LONDON, England – Almost a year and a half after the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, petroleum giant BP is still working to repair its public image. “We really took a hit in the public-relations sector,” said Robert Dudley, BP’s current chief executive officer. “We’re trying to get the word out to the American people through the YouTubes (sic) and other media outlets that we here in Britain have America’s best interests [click here for full story]

Oct 112011

THARBOGANG, New South Wales, Australia – Australian winemaker Warburton Estate has announced it is teaming up with classic rock group AC/DC for the release of a line of locally produced wines. “Many people have criticized us for this move,” said AC/DC lead singer Brian Johnson. “They say that rock and roll is about beer or whiskey, not fine wine. But I say that there is nothing more rock and roll than a hugely successful band [click here for full story]

Oct 062011

ST. CLOUD, Minn.– In the midst of the ongoing debate over America’s debt crisis, presidential candidate Michele Bachmann has joined her Republican colleagues in calling for cutting back spending on the nation’s needy. “It’s time to stop helping people who have not been able to find jobs after our economic downturn,” Bachmann said. “And old people are always looking for a handout; they get AARP discounts, and they steal Sweet’n Low from restaurants. It’s time [click here for full story]

Oct 032011

LONDON, England – The Independent here has reported that Italy’s prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, has called Germany’s chancellor Angela Merkel an “unfuckable lard-ass.” This came during a conversation Berlusconi had with a man who is accused of supplying prostitutes for Berlusconi’s parties, and was taped as part of an investigation of the prime minister on suspicion of corruption and other charges. “This is a gold mine for us,” said one investigator who asked not to [click here for full story]

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