Sep 282011

GREEN BAY, Wis. – A large billboard warning of the health hazards purportedly posed by cheese consumption has been installed outside of Lambeau Field, home of Wisconsin’s beloved Green Bay Packers. The billboard features the Grim Reaper wearing the famous “Cheesehead” worn by some Packer fans, and the text: “Warning: Cheese can sack your health. Fat. Cholesterol. Sodium.” The billboard is paid for by the nonprofit Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine (PCRM), which is hoping [click here for full story]

Sep 272011

BELLPORT, N.Y. – Snooki, one of the stars of MTV’s reality series The Jersey Shore, will have her own fragrance coming out this fall. She was seen at the offices of Perfumania on Long Island, reportedly after a meeting to finalize the details of the deal. “I don’t want to reveal anything now,” she said. “It’s not a secret or anything, there just aren’t enough cameras here. If TMZ and E! News get here in [click here for full story]

Sep 262011

HOUSTON, Tex. – Over the weekend NASA officials confirmed that the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite (UARS) fell back to earth, they believe somewhere over the Pacific Ocean. In the days leading up to UARS’s reentry there was a great deal of criticism of NASA for not narrowing down where the satellite would land, a charge which NASA has denied. “Our forecasts were spot-on,” said spokesman Steve Cole. “Our telemetry experts predicted that when this earth-orbiting [click here for full story]

Sep 232011

AUSTIN, Tex. – In last week’s Republican presidential debate, Michelle Bachmann won over many viewers by sharply criticizing Texas Governor Rick Perry for requiring girls in Texas to get an HPV vaccine, but lost that ground after the debate by quoting an unidentified woman who claimed the vaccine can cause mental retardation. While the dust is settling on that latter gaffe, her initial charges against Perry are beginning to gain traction. “Governor Perry sold out [click here for full story]

Sep 222011

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A group of former U.S. military Arabic-language translators who were dismissed from service for being known homosexuals were responsible for the location and ultimate assassination of Osama bin Laden. “It’s true,” said General Keith Alexander, National Security Agency (NSA) director and head of the U.S. Cyber Command. “The intelligence used to locate bin Laden in Pakistan came from these former translators who were forcibly discharged from the U.S. Armed Forces because of [click here for full story]

Sep 202011

ST. LOUIS, Mo. – As the 10th anniversary of the terrorist attacks of September 11 approached, a coloring book, We Shall Never Forget 9/11: The Kids’ Book of Freedom, emerged on the market. The book has drawn sharp criticism for its content from several groups, including the Council on American Islamic Relations. “This publisher is doing a disservice to innocent young minds by showing this type of nonsense,” said Dawud Walid, Michigan representative for the [click here for full story]

Sep 192011

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After the great media fanfare surrounding the unveiling of President Obama’s new jobs bill, the American Jobs Act of 2011, no Democrat actually filed the bill with Congress. This allowed Representative Louis Gohmert (R–Tex.) to file his own bill with the same name, beating the Democrats to the punch. “This is the kind of swift, decisive leadership this country needs, and has lacked since Obama took office,” Gohmert said. “Now that I’ve [click here for full story]

Sep 182011

TAMPA, Fla. – In the most recent Republican presidential debate, Michele Bachmann received cheers for her lambasting of Texas Governor Rick Perry over his attempt to require girls in his state to get HPV vaccines. Not only did she rebuke the move as big government at its worst, she also pointed out that the pharmaceutical company that makes the vaccine had donated to Perry’s gubernatorial campaign. She later gave the advantage back, however, when she [click here for full story]

Sep 162011

LONDON, England – Equities trader Kweku Adoboli has been arrested for making unauthorized trades that caused a huge loss for his company, UBS AG. A statement issued by the company said that “The matter is still being investigated, but UBS’s current estimate of the loss on the trades is in the range of $2 billion. It is possible that this could lead UBS to report a loss for the third quarter of 2011. “No client [click here for full story]

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