Aug 312011

TRIPOLI, Libya – In a symbolic milestone of the now six-month-old civil war, Libyan rebels raised their flag atop the roof of Muammar Gaddafi’s former official residence. The long-time Libyan leader, however, had fled to Algeria shortly before the rebel takeover of his compound. “He had promised to fight the rebels until the end, but I think he was already in Algeria when he said that,” said Gaddafi’s former top aide Abdel Salam Jalloud. “I’ll [click here for full story]

Aug 302011

KABUL, Afghanistan – In a move that has U.S. military personnel shaking their heads, audible flatulence has been banned as a show of respect to the Afghan people. “The leadership of Afghanistan has issued a notice saying this bodily function is offensive to their citizens,” said Lt. Gen. Stanley McChrystal, commander of U.S. forces here. “I hereby issue a cease-and-desist order on regulation-issue flatulence: audible. Company dismissed.” Individual service people have been forbidden to speak [click here for full story]

Aug 292011

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  With a magnitude 5.8 earthquake and Hurricane Irene striking the East Coast in the same week, Republican presidential candidates were quick to link these natural disasters to the Obama administration. “This is God’s wrath at Obama for wanting to continue full Medicare and Medicaid benefits to senior citizens,” Michele Bachmann told reporters this morning. “Why else did the hurricane hit the East Coast where the tax-and-spend liberals are and not the real [click here for full story]

Aug 252011

GREENVILLE, S.C. – Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann has promised to cut gas prices dramatically if elected. “Under President Bachmann you will see gasoline come down below $2 a gallon again,” she told supporters in a speech here on Tuesday. “That will happen. So will a bunch of other cool stuff. Just wait until I’m president and you’ll see all the totally cool stuff I’m going to do.” During her campaign, Bachmann has been pointing [click here for full story]

Aug 242011

ULAN BATOR, Mongolia– After a meeting with Prime Minister Sukhbaatar Batbold here, Vice President Joe Biden praised the progress the country has made over the past two decades. “In the last 20 years, Mongolia has captured the imagination of the world by its five presidential elections, five democratically conducted parliamentary elections,” he said. “That’s more than we can say for America, where the elections are paid for by super PACs. Ha! “You people don’t speak [click here for full story]

Aug 232011

OMAHA, Neb.– Last week multibillionaire Warren Buffett contributed an op-ed piece to the New York Times in which he called for an end to tax breaks for the very rich. “While most Americans struggle to make ends meet, we mega-rich continue to get our extraordinary tax breaks,” he wrote. “I know that tax breaks for the rich aren’t getting much media attention right now, so I thought it time I step forward and say something.” [click here for full story]

Aug 222011

CHICAGO, Ill. – In a move that has stunned campaign observers everywhere, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel, former chief of staff for President Obama, is endorsing Michele Bachmann for president in 2012. “Shit, this girl is for real,” he said. “Did you see what she did at the straw poll last weekend? It cost people $30 to get into the place to vote, and she picked up the tab for over 6,000 of them. That’s how [click here for full story]

Aug 182011

SPARTANBURG, S.C.– On Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann extended commemorative birthday wishes to the late rock superstar Elvis Presley, popularly known as just Elvis or “The King.” Bachmann was on stage for a speech at the here at the Beacon Drive-In when she exclaimed “Happy Birthday, Elvis!” Unfortunately, August 16 was the anniversary of Presley’s death, not birth. This mistake was pointed out to her by an audience member, who called out “He died [click here for full story]

Aug 172011

CHARLESTON, S.C. – Texas governor Rick Perry has announced his intention to run for the Republican nomination for president. “God has told me to run,” he said to an enthusiastic crowd of backers here in South Carolina. “For some months He has been dictating the legislative agenda in Texas through me, and now it’s time to move to a larger stage.” Despite getting less than four percent of the votes as a write-in candidate in the [click here for full story]

Aug 162011

ST. PAUL, Minn. – Former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty has taken the unprecedented step of naming himself a loser of the Republican nomination for president. “I know when I’m whipped, so it seemed the right thing to do,” Pawlenty said. “I don’t want to say too much because we Midwesterners are decent folks, but jeeminy cripes is it ever frustrating.” The Republican field had become quite highly populated, but Pawlenty insists this was not the [click here for full story]

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