Jul 312011

STRATFORD-upon-AVON, England – In a move that has stunned the literary and historical establishment here, a group of South African paleontologists has filed a request with the Church of England to exhume the remains of William Shakespeare. They hope to learn more about his life and habits, including his rumored use of marijuana. “We’re so totally stoked about this,” said Francis Thackeray, leader of the investigative team. “Even though our request hasn’t been granted yet, [click here for full story]

Jul 302011

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Republican National Committee has been quiet in the wake of the new law in New York that legalized same-sex marriage. “This has created quite a conflict for us,” said RNC Chair Reince Priebus. “On the one hand, abolishing same-sex marriage and vilifying homosexuals as the source of the decay of our once-great nation has been the backbone of the GOP since our glory days with George W. Bush. “On the other [click here for full story]

Jul 282011

CALGARY, Alberta – Talisman Energy USA, a company engaged in the controversial process of “fracking” to extract natural gas from rock, has abandoned its children’s coloring book, Talisman Terry’s Energy Adventure. “We were just trying to show kids that fracking is safe,” said Talisman spokeswoman Natalie Cox. “And that not fracking is socialism.” Fracking has caused concern among citizens and health officials because it involves pumping dangerous chemicals underground, where many fear it will get [click here for full story]

Jul 262011

MELBOURNE, Australia– Two Australians, Chris Peteres and Rob Ward, have developed a beer-opener app for the iPhone called Opena. “This is the beginning of a new generation of iPhone apps,” Ward said. “Instead of software, this is actual hardware. You know, like from a hardware store.” The Opena is a hard case with a retractable bottle opener, and it slips over an iPhone. Peteres said “We got the idea from George Carlin, actually. He said, [click here for full story]

Jul 232011

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. – The popular social-networking platform Twitter has a new game in which users add the phrase “in my pants” to a movie title, then post the resulting humorous or interesting result. “This is to Twitter what Farmville is to Facebook, only it requires people to actually use their imaginations,” said Jack Dorsey, Twitter’s executive chairman in charge of product development.  “Even I never thought I’d say that about Twitter.” Twitter is often [click here for full story]

Jul 222011

ANAHEIM HILLS, Calif.– After the overwhelming success of the song “Friday,” 14-year-old Rebecca Black has released a follow-up song, “My Moment.” Black said that the new song shows how she has “grown since that last single. Back then, my mom paid a bunch of money to some people who wrote a formulaic pop song that they could set my digitally altered vocals over, then we did a homemade video for it. Something about that doesn’t [click here for full story]

Jul 172011

FRANKFURT, Germany– The U.S. women’s soccer team will meet the team from Japan in the finals of the World Cup. “Wow, really?” said Rick Sanchez, an American tourist visiting Frankfurt. “There’s a women’s World Cup?” Known as “football” to the rest of the world, soccer has not garnered great attention in America. Women’s soccer has suffered even more than men’s soccer, even in the sports community. “Women’s soccer is actually a thing?” said sportswriter John [click here for full story]

Jul 162011

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. is considering cutting military aid to Pakistan by as much as $800 million, the White House announced this week. “It’s just a budget-cutting measure,” said Press Secretary Jay Carney. “We’re also consolidating staff birthday parties to just one group party per month. We want the nation to know we’re serious about eliminating wasteful spending.” Analysts, however, believe the aid reduction is a hidden message to Pakistan for having harbored Osama [click here for full story]

Jul 142011

WASHINGTON, D.C. – On a recent appearance on CNN, Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said “I’m introducing myself now to the American people so that they can know that I have a strong academic scholarly background.” Many campaign observers have said the move is a tactic intended to distance Bachmann from potential opponent Sarah Palin, whose educational background has been called into question since the 2008 election. “It’s a good idea,” said Jim Thiede of [click here for full story]

Jul 122011

OAKLAND, Calif. – Harold Camping, who predicted the Rapture would occur this past May, has suffered a mild stroke. A spokesman for Camping’s Family Radio Network said “The stroke has affected Mr. Camping’s speech, which is a relief. I mean, the stroke only affected his speech, and it’s a relief the neurological damage was so limited. That’s what I meant.” Camping garnered worldwide notice earlier this year for his widespread announcement of the coming Rapture. [click here for full story]

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