Jun 292011

WATERLOO, Iowa. – The day before the latest in her ongoing string of announcements of her candidacy for president, U.S. Representative Michele Bachmann (R–Minn.) said she has “the spirit” of the late movie actor John Wayne in her. Bachmann grew up in Waterloo, Iowa, and said that because John Wayne was also from Waterloo, she became inhabited by his disembodied essence. When it was quickly pointed out that Wayne was from Winterset, Iowa, 150 miles [click here for full story]

Jun 282011

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. – A poll conducted by The Lyons Roar, the official newspaper of Lyons Middle School, reveals that students already consider jokes about disgraced former Representative Anthony Weiner “so five minutes ago.” Seventh-grader Jonathan Pinkett said he initially liked that Weiner’s last name sounds the same as the slang name of the body part in the photo the now-resigned congressman uploaded to Twitter. The comedic value of that unlikely coincidence was short-lived, however. “Me [click here for full story]

Jun 272011

PHOENIZ, Ariz. – Sen. John McCain has drawn sharp criticism for his comments about the wildfires blazing across Arizona’s border with Mexico. He claimed at a press conference that there are “areas down on the border where there is substantial evidence that some of these fires are caused by people who have crossed our border illegally.” When asked to produce the evidence, Senator McCain was evasive, citing U.S. Forest Service congressional testimony from back in [click here for full story]

Jun 232011

JERSEY CITY, N.J. – Unconfirmed reports claim that another Republican, Jon Huntsman, has announced his candidacy for president. “We’ve heard the reports too, and we’re looking into it,” said Republican National Committee (RNC) Communications Director Sean Spicer. “Apparently this guy used to be governor of Utah. We had thought Mitt Romney used to be governor there, so we have some research teams sorting through the details.” Whether or not Mr. Huntsman is actually joining the [click here for full story]

Jun 232011

LAS VEGAS, Nev. – Sammie Spades, who five years ago was a summer intern for then-senator Hillary Clinton, is now a self-described “model, adult-film star and dancer.” Spades, who has starred in such films as Bomb Ass White Booty 13, had at one time planned on going to law school and seeking public office. Working for the senator, she said, changed all that. “At first it was empowering working for a powerful woman, and it [click here for full story]

Jun 222011

EDINBURGH, Scotland – After months of blog posts ostensibly from a lesbian, known as Amina Abdallah Aral al Omari, garnered worldwide attention for describing the plight of homosexuals in Syria, the campaign was revealed to have been the brainchild of a married American man living in Scotland. “I was just trying to draw attention to the plight of the LGBT community in the Middle East,” said Tom MacMaster, the actual author of the blog. “Well, [click here for full story]

Jun 202011

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico – President Obama made good on a campaign promise recently by visiting the U.S. territory of Puerto Rico. “In 2008, then-senator Obama pledged to visit Puerto Rico when he became president,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “So now that’s done.” The president’s address to a large crowd gathered at Luis Muñoz Marin International Airport was well-received. “I loved it when he started out by saying ‘It’s great to be [click here for full story]

Jun 192011

MANCHESTER, N.H. – A review of the video from Monday’s Republican presidential debate revealed that Newt Gingrich is actually still vying for his party’s nomination for president. “Gingrich was there?” said Tim Slattery, a producer for CNN, which organized the event. “He’s not even still in the race, is he? He is? Well I’ll be a son of a bitch.” CNN’s on-air staffers were also surprised to learn that Gingrich was a participant in the [click here for full story]

Jun 182011

JUNEAU, Alaska. – After an initial media storm of speculation as to their contents, the approximately 24,000 pages of e-mails from former governor Sarah Palin released to the press proved uninteresting, even mundane. “There’s not an original thought in that whole pile,” commented CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer. “For days leading up to the release, our network ran updates on the quarter hour, had in-house and guest experts come on to say what they thought would [click here for full story]

Jun 182011

BELLVUE, Wash. – A local accountant, John Jennings, was startled to learn that Republicans in Congress really did push through legislation that extended tax breaks to the richest Americans. “I’d been awfully busy with work and the kids, so I just heard about the tax breaks in passing,” he said. “I figured it was just a sketch from one of those satirical news shows. In fact, I remember laughing about it at the time; not [click here for full story]

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