Jul 082013
Soccer suddenly not boring to Americans

PIO XII, Brazil — Soccer fans in northern Brazil decapitated a referee after he fatally stabbed a player for refusing to leave the field. “Now that’s a fucking show!” said Scott Guglielmino, head of programming at ESPN. “I’ve got two dozen over-educated writers trying to give me ‘Sports As a Reflection of the Human Condition’ or some such shit no one would watch. Meanwhile, a stadium full of Brazilian peasants hopped up on peyote came [click here for full story]

May 082013
U.S. news outlets “came this close” to covering the crisis in Syria

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After over two years and tens of thousands of deaths, executives in the American news media have acknowledged they “gave serious thought to” covering the ongoing battles of the Syrian civil war. “On the surface, this story seems to have all the elements we look for in a newscast,” said Davis Rhodes, president of CBS News. “There are all kinds of explosions and shit, which is pure TV gold in the U.S. [click here for full story]

May 032013
New Zealand slams the back door on baby names

AUCKLAND, New Zealand — Yesterday officials in New Zealand released a list of baby names which were put forward by parents for their children but were rejected by authorities. The list of 77 names shows that one couple wanted to name their child “Anal.” “If they want to name their baby ‘Anal’ it’s surprising they have a kid at all,” said New Zealand Attorney General Christopher Finlayson. “I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think [click here for full story]

Apr 262013
SEAL Team Six storms NRA headquarters, Wayne LaPierre dies in hail of gunfire

FAIRFAX, Va. — After a sinister letter was mailed to the White House from the National Rifle Association (NRA), SEAL Team Six was ordered to respond. “Apparently in response to a proposed ban on assault weapons, a letter addressed to the White House from the NRA was found to contain hints of revolution against the government,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “It was immediately brought to the attention of the National Security Advisor, [click here for full story]

Apr 182013
Exxon shows its commitment to the public by having oil actually flow through the streets

MAYFLOWER, Ark. — In an unprecedented public-relations campaign, ExxonMobil is “demonstrating the health of the petroleum industry” by spilling thousands of barrels of crude oil and debris from one of its tar-sands pipelines. “So often oil producers like us are overlooked in the popular press,” said Ken Cohen, ExxonMobil’s vice president of public and government affairs. “In order to heighten our profile in the public eye, we cut a large gash into one of our [click here for full story]

Apr 112013
Woman relieved at Facebook shift from marriage equality to immigration reform

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — A local woman, Lydia Puccinelli, was has happy to find a solution to setting the profile picture on her Facebook page this week. “I had seen that a lot of my friends had all of a sudden switched their profile pics to this red background with two pink stripes,” Puccinelli said. “I figured something was up, so I googled it and found out that the Supreme Court started hearing arguments on [click here for full story]

Apr 082013
Obama likes Harris and he cannot lie, you other AGs can’t deny

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Obama us still taking heat over a comment he made last week about California Attorney General Kamala Harris. “You have to be careful to, first of all, say she is brilliant and she is dedicated and she is tough, and she is exactly what you’d want in anybody who is administering the law, and making sure that everybody is getting a fair shake,” the president said. “She also happens to be, [click here for full story]

Apr 032013
GOP working out kinks on “this whole inclusion thing,” gets huevos rancheros on its face

JUNEAU, Alaska — Alaska Rep. Don Young issued an apology Friday for using the term “wetbacks” when discussing migrant works, acknowledging it is an “insensitive term” that he says should have been left behind with the last century. “I’m sorry, I forgot that the Republican National Committee has told us to keep our racism under wraps,” Young said. “I will do my best to use more appropriate language in the future. “So, just what do [click here for full story]

Apr 022013
U.S. sends fighter jets to South Korea, CBS in talks for new M*A*S*H* series

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States sent F-22 stealth fighter jets to South Korea on Sunday to join military exercises in a move aimed at further deterring threats from North Korea. “We still have F-22s? Cool!” said newly appointed U.S. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “We’re going over there to China and kick some ass! “Or maybe it’s Korea. I think it’s one of those Koreas.” Yesterday South Korean President Park Geun-hye gave her country’s military [click here for full story]

Apr 012013
Jesus still lukewarm on Catholics, but “liking this new pope guy”

VATICAN CITY — Yesterday the newly instated Pope Francis presided over his first Easter Mass at the Vatican. As was expected from this decidedly low-key pontiff, this ceremony was shorter than previous ones, and was delivered in less-flowery, more direct language. “Pope Francis’ Mass yesterday was a step in the right direction,” said Jesus Christ, whose resurrection is the event that Easter celebrates. “Have you ever had to sit through a Catholic Mass? Holy Father, [click here for full story]

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