Apr 232013
WTF? Nation stunned to find North Dakota has a Hispanic person, “plus an Asian”

BISMARK, N.D. — KFYR news anchor A.J. Clemente opened his first-ever broadcast for his new station by saying “fucking shit” into a live microphone, visibly rattling his co-anchor, Van Tieu. Video of Clemente’s on-air profanity has gone viral, prompting shock across the country. “I can’t believe there’s some Hispanic dude, and even an Asian chick, in with all them white people in that hell-hole of a state,” said Cleotus Washington of Brooklyn, New York. “I mean, [click here for full story]

Mar 282013
Hermès sheds crocodile tears

NEW YORK, N.Y. — Hermès, the France-based retailer of ultra-high-end clothing and accessories, has revealed a T-shirt at its Madison Avenue store in Manhattan that sells for $91,500. The T-shirt, made of crocodile hide and chiffon, will also carry a sales tax of $8,000. “So what?” said Hermès CEO Patrick Thomas. “If you don’t like it, keep your proletariat cul out of our store, you filthy paysan.” While Hermès has long been known to cater [click here for full story]

Mar 202013
Tiger Woods’ career climbs upwards, love life goes downhill

ORLANDO, Fla. — Former world number-one golfer Tiger Woods and six-time reigning World Cup women’s downhill skiing champion Lindsey Vonn announced through their Facebook pages on Monday that they are in a romantic relationship. Woods wrote: “This season has been great so far and I’m happy with my (PGA Tour) wins at Torrey and Doral. Something nice that’s happened off the course was meeting Lindsey Vonn. Lindsey and I have been friends for some time, [click here for full story]

Mar 132013
Justin Bieber’s new bad-boy image deemed “pretty damn authentic”

LONDON, England — Just hours after he passed out backstage at his London concert last week and was rushed to a hospital, teenage pop sensation Justin Bieber almost got violent with the paparazzi. Photos show the 19-year-old lunging at photographers, and video footage of the altercation shows Bieber angrily responding to a photographer’s insults by yelling “I’ll fucking beat the fuck out of you!” “As a member of the paparazzi, my job is not just [click here for full story]

Jan 202013
Kardashians’ cry for help proves to be nothing but a cruel hoax

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — This week the Kardashian clan became the latest celebrity victims of the “swatting” craze, in which pranksters call in a false emergency to police. The name “swatting” derives from the fact that the spurious calls mention shootings, so law enforcement responds with SWAT teams. On Friday police took over Bruce and Kris Jenner’s Hidden Hills home near Los Angeles after receiving a 911 call claiming someone had been shot inside the house. [click here for full story]

Dec 072012
E! network sets a sorry bar

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – Kristen Stewart, star of the über-popular Twilight movies, has ended her year of scandal on a high note after she was named one of the most inspiring stars of 2012 by E! Entertainment Television. The editors at EOnline.com wrote they put Stewart at number seven on their list because “We were so impressed that she publicly apologized to her boyfriend (Twilight series co-star Robert Pattinson) after cheating on him. As an actress Ms. [click here for full story]

Nov 192012
Man ponders future with Romney sitting on his face

MICHIGAN CITY, Ind. – A local man who got a Mitt Romney logo tattooed on his face claims he “is fine with it” even though Romney lost the election. The man, 30-year-old professional wrestler Eric Hartsburg, says he wants his tattoo to send a message to young people. “I want young people to know that it’s OK to be young, and it’s OK to be a Republican. You don’t have to be rich or elderly [click here for full story]

Sep 292012
Kelly Osbourne gets $250,000 manicure, tells complaining fans “F*** off or I will s*** in your mouths LOL!”

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – This year’s Emmy Awards ceremony had its version of a scandal when Kelly Osbourne sported a manicure costing a quarter of a million dollars. When Osbourne received an avalanche of protests saying that the manicure was wasteful and in poor taste, she answered via Twitter that “I see that my nail polish has offended some of you, however I see your point, but it was a once in a lifetime experience. #MyApologizes. [click here for full story]

Sep 202012
New TV show has oddly mismatched characters

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – The ABC fall lineup will have a new comedy/drama series, Spangler and Boots, whose two lead characters come from different backgrounds and have incongruous personalities, which sometimes puts them in wacky situations. “This is a cutting-edge experiment in prime-time programming,” said Paul Lee, president of ABC Entertainment Group. “We wanted to find out what would happen if the two main players came from opposite sides of the tracks, so to speak. I’m [click here for full story]

Sep 102012

HOUSTON, Tex. – After a seven-month cease-fire, dozens of factions erupted in violent clashes across the U.S. yesterday, while reports of injuries continue to mount. “It surpasses human understanding that people would willingly engage in such hideous brutality,” said Joshua Higgins, who watched extensive coverage of the clashes from his home here. “What makes it even more incomprehensible is that it’s ultimately meaningless. I will never understand the depths to which human depravity can sink. [click here for full story]

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