May 082013
U.S. news outlets “came this close” to covering the crisis in Syria

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After over two years and tens of thousands of deaths, executives in the American news media have acknowledged they “gave serious thought to” covering the ongoing battles of the Syrian civil war. “On the surface, this story seems to have all the elements we look for in a newscast,” said Davis Rhodes, president of CBS News. “There are all kinds of explosions and shit, which is pure TV gold in the U.S. [click here for full story]

Apr 232013
WTF? Nation stunned to find North Dakota has a Hispanic person, “plus an Asian”

BISMARK, N.D. — KFYR news anchor A.J. Clemente opened his first-ever broadcast for his new station by saying “fucking shit” into a live microphone, visibly rattling his co-anchor, Van Tieu. Video of Clemente’s on-air profanity has gone viral, prompting shock across the country. “I can’t believe there’s some Hispanic dude, and even an Asian chick, in with all them white people in that hell-hole of a state,” said Cleotus Washington of Brooklyn, New York. “I mean, [click here for full story]

Apr 182013
Exxon shows its commitment to the public by having oil actually flow through the streets

MAYFLOWER, Ark. — In an unprecedented public-relations campaign, ExxonMobil is “demonstrating the health of the petroleum industry” by spilling thousands of barrels of crude oil and debris from one of its tar-sands pipelines. “So often oil producers like us are overlooked in the popular press,” said Ken Cohen, ExxonMobil’s vice president of public and government affairs. “In order to heighten our profile in the public eye, we cut a large gash into one of our [click here for full story]

Apr 112013
Woman relieved at Facebook shift from marriage equality to immigration reform

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — A local woman, Lydia Puccinelli, was has happy to find a solution to setting the profile picture on her Facebook page this week. “I had seen that a lot of my friends had all of a sudden switched their profile pics to this red background with two pink stripes,” Puccinelli said. “I figured something was up, so I googled it and found out that the Supreme Court started hearing arguments on [click here for full story]

Apr 082013
Obama likes Harris and he cannot lie, you other AGs can’t deny

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Obama us still taking heat over a comment he made last week about California Attorney General Kamala Harris. “You have to be careful to, first of all, say she is brilliant and she is dedicated and she is tough, and she is exactly what you’d want in anybody who is administering the law, and making sure that everybody is getting a fair shake,” the president said. “She also happens to be, [click here for full story]

Apr 032013
GOP working out kinks on “this whole inclusion thing,” gets huevos rancheros on its face

JUNEAU, Alaska — Alaska Rep. Don Young issued an apology Friday for using the term “wetbacks” when discussing migrant works, acknowledging it is an “insensitive term” that he says should have been left behind with the last century. “I’m sorry, I forgot that the Republican National Committee has told us to keep our racism under wraps,” Young said. “I will do my best to use more appropriate language in the future. “So, just what do [click here for full story]

Mar 262013
Gag order imposed on Ford for auto erotica

BOMBAY, India — Ford Motor Company and ad agency WPP apologized on Monday for some offensive artwork depicting women tied up in the back of a Ford Figo, a car available in India. The drawings were never part of a paid campaign but were part of “a creative exercise by a team that was submitting for an ad competition,” according to Chris Preuss, Ford spokesman for WPP. “These images were never meant to be seen [click here for full story]

Mar 252013
German police get snow job, assign linguists to translate the pun

AACHEN, Germany — German traffic police were fooled by a full-size snow sculpture of a Volkswagen Beetle—and put a parking ticket on the sculpture’s windshield. “This is what we do in Germany,” said a police spokesperson. “We maintain order so that we can remain productive. Workers cannot access their places of business if unauthorized vehicles are occupying the parking spaces designated for those workers. We have instituted penalties for not observing these laws so that [click here for full story]

Mar 202013
Tiger Woods’ career climbs upwards, love life goes downhill

ORLANDO, Fla. — Former world number-one golfer Tiger Woods and six-time reigning World Cup women’s downhill skiing champion Lindsey Vonn announced through their Facebook pages on Monday that they are in a romantic relationship. Woods wrote: “This season has been great so far and I’m happy with my (PGA Tour) wins at Torrey and Doral. Something nice that’s happened off the course was meeting Lindsey Vonn. Lindsey and I have been friends for some time, [click here for full story]

Mar 152013
God’s existence finally confirmed, gets overshadowed by Catholics

GENEVA, Switzerland — Physicists announced this week they have discovered the elusive subatomic particle called a Higgs boson essential to our understanding of the creation of the universe. The boson, popularly known as the ‘God particle,’ will go a long way toward explaining what gives electrons and all matter in the universe size and shape. “It’s no coincidence we’re announcing the confirmation of the God particle on the same day a new pope was selected,” said David [click here for full story]

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